Lessons From Art-Venice Film Festival

 

Today is the last day of August. 

I have been writing more which is always a sign that I am working through something. I have been feeling more untethered. In my head. Distracted. Frenetic even. Drawn to dark shows and films. Not looking towards the sun but sitting quietly in the shade of the gray. A light shade of gray, but still gray.

Those who know me know that I am all about connection. I write about it a lot. Being isolated this past week when I had Covid brought me inwards. This by itself isn't necessarily a bad thing. I actually like spending time by myself. I am pretty independent and while I crave connection, I also crave time alone too. Then why do I feel so unsettled? I should be able to be alone and comfortable, connected. Not on the gently shaky ground that I am on. Why is that? 

Then someone said something that made me pause.

Appreciate, love, learn and apply

Me.

Where there is fear there is lack of love. 

This too made me think. And it’s true. I have been scared lately. Scared out of my mind. 

At the moment, I am missing the most basic but also the most important connection. The one to myself. 

Appreciate, love, learn and apply

I have known this. This isn't (or shouldn’t be) a lightbulb moment since this notion has been floating in my head for a bit. Now, though, it is real, palpable. House is empty. Quiet. Candle burns slowly each day. Time to seek, find, be, well...me.

We all struggle with self-love and self-acceptance at some point and for some of us at different times of our lives. I am incredibly difficult on myself. I don't appreciate my greatness as I should at times but I also think I am a pretty cool person. I am who I am because of all of my experiences. Life is bumpy but that makes the adventure all the more worth living. I truly feel this.

I have said before that I am creative without a specified art. I find art in the every day and I have always sought outlets to express myself. I am also a huge fan of artists (all forms of art really) because of their ability to be so open and visual with their vulnerability. Their ability to be connected to themselves and to those around them. To see their vision become tangible, authentic and real. I appreciate people who are genuine and grounded in their ability to express themselves creatively and in an intelligent and self-reflecting way.

I have always wanted to act but never found the courage to do it professionally, even applying and getting into acting school in my 20s but then never going. I regret not chasing that dream. So, I watch a lot of movies. I watch shows. I read voraciously and I watch interviews. I study art, then, in an indirect way. I am a fan but I am more than a fan too.

The Venice Film Festival is this week. Many films are in competition and it is such a dreamlike setting for this event to take place. It would be a dream for me to be there to experience it one day. One film in competition is Bones and All which is based on a young adult book by Camille DeAngelis. The film is directed by one of my very favorite directors - Luca Guadagnino. 

I read a lot, including young adult novels. It keeps me aware of what life must be like for those growing up in the world right now. I enjoyed this book and read it twice to fully appreciate the complexity, as well as to determine how it could be made into a film. I read the book knowing it was going to become cinematic. I am happy to hear about some of the changes between the two mediums. It is difficult subject matter because of its dark elements. The story has stayed with me because of that darkness and because it’s so much more than the darkness. The darkness of course is a metaphor. 

In my opinion from what I know of both the book and film, this story is about love, acceptance and connection. The human experience really. Feeling like an outsider is scary and lonely. We have all been there at some point, haven’t we? We have all felt uncomfortable in our own skin and we have all felt alone too, if we are honest with ourselves.  

Maren and Lee are able to find self-love and self-acceptance which allows them to be comfortable enough to share and even love the most ashamed and lonely parts of themselves. 

Self-love and self-acceptance which leads to feeling more whole, more open to love and more connected to others and to the world. 

Appreciate, love, learn and apply

There is going to be a test screening for Bones and All in September. I think they are still working on the messaging of this film maybe. I really, really wish I could go. I am so excited and anxious to see how this book is translated into film. One of the reasons why I love Luca Guadagnino so, so much is because he pushes his actors to show real emotion and raw vulnerability. In turn, real art. The setting also becomes a character in his films. I’m not sure this film could be made without him. It is a dream team, really. Team being the integral word. I believe everyone associated with this film brings true authenticity, love and care  and I hope that the audiences are able to see the beautiful messages that are there waiting to be seen through these characters. I just have a feeling this is going to be really special while at times gruesome film. 

"Never feeling loved for everything that makes you yourself is the loneliest feeling in the world. This is the Maren I tried to make felt in #bonesandall" - Taylor Russell

Appreciate, love, learn and apply

Please Note: Going through times like these makes me appreciate the sun, appreciate the world that’s so much larger than me and it makes me appreciate the process,  I’m not sad. I’m growing. And that is a beautiful thing. 

As Walt Whitman said, "Keep your face always towards the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you"

Time to listen to Next to Me by Rufus du Sol and take a deep breath. Savor THIS moment. Breathe it all in. Reach every cell of your body. Breathe in and out space. Breathe in and out love for yourself. Breathe in and out love for others. Connect in then allow yourself to connect out.  And enjoy this very moment.  Bones and All.

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always. 

Amy

COVID sucks

 

Made it two years. Never diagnosed. Exposed to it. Surrounded by it. Took care of people with it. Never got it. Vaccinated. Boosted. Tested.

Till now.

Yes. I was bragging that I had never gotten Covid.
Yes. I was bragging that I never get sick. 

The next day? I got sick. 

One year on November 30, I spent some time with my beautiful newborn niece. She was about 8 weeks old and very uncomfortable. Colic. Like, bad, bad colic. We brought food and had dinner, taking turns holding the baby girl. The only time she stopped crying over the 2-3 hours was when she laid on my very pregnant belly. Draped over me on the couch, we joked that she and the baby inside me were silently communicating to one another. I did not move for 45 minutes because everyone was quiet. Finally. I was due on December 31. I walked out of their house that night, looked at Kelley and said, "Thank god we have another month because I am so not ready for this parenting thing."

My water broke at 6:30 a.m. the next morning. 

Yes, I am at a crossroads in my life. Yes, growing pains abound. That said, isn't it when you are in these moments that things can become more clear? We all have these moments. At several times in our lives. Some are pronounced and some slide under the radar. Some demand to be acknowledged and some are pushed away - denial isn't just a river in Eygpt (iykyk).

It has been raining for what feels like weeks. It is gray. It is gloomy. 

Covid is making me pause. Covid is making me reflect. Covid is making me sleep, and sleep A LOT. So much of social media is about showing how happy and good everything is. All the freaking time. You know what? Life is not great all of the time and that is A-OK! 

What happens when it stops raining? What happens after sleeping for hours on end? What happens when you stop after going through the motions of life for a bit? 

I wake UP! 

The edges become a little more vivid. The dreams become a little more real. The goals become a little more structured. The emptiness inside slowly gets refilled. The cycle continues.

Life is just a give and take. It is a paradox. Life just is. And it is amazing just to celebrate that fact. Relish in all of its moments. Happy, sad, growing, quiet, loud, laughing, simple and complex. Moments.

Time to put on More Than Life by Whitley and let's get cooking. 

Tacos. Yes, tacos. I love that the video makes it seem like it takes 3 minutes to make but it is worth every minute longer than 3 minutes. Have made with ground beef and chicken. Liked chicken better but honestly, the tortillas made this meal. Yes, it is an Instagram video. 

thefoodie.101

Yes, it was delicious. Enjoy! 

Pulled Chicken Taco Recipe

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always. 

Amy

A week later.

A week later. 

So much has changed yet so much is also the same. 

And yes, it is Sunday. Sunday. 

1000 miles traveled. A huge piece of me left behind. An empty feeling persists. Upon my return, a quieter house than even expected. Tears spontaneously form randomly. But. But. Underneath, a feeling. A feeling that this is right. This is the way it is supposed to go. A feeling that this is just a beginning for Sage, oh the places she will go and I can't wait to witness what is to come and how she will attack this next chapter of her life. Feeling confidence in her being. 

Letting go is hard. It hurts in a way that I can't even put into words. 

Once again, I look to other languages to find the essence of what I am feeling. 

This is a beginning for me too. I know it is but that is just going to take a little more time. I'll get there, I will. 

Time. 

I am strong. I am really okay. This is just a piece of me. A piece of what I carry. I use all of my experiences to make me a better person, a more complete person, a more feeling person. So I put myself out there. I am honest. And I remember that I am made of many parts. 

Time. 

There is a bus stop near my house and a woman has been living in it for the past several months. I check on her and have come to make it part of my routine to do so. I have mentioned her before. This past week I was driving to work and as usual, drove by this bus stop. Something looked different and then I realized immediately. I put on the breaks and pulled over. It was gone. The bus stop. The woman. Missing. Nothing left. No traces. As if it and she were never there in the first place. My heart missed a beat. My mind started darting rapidly. A shaky feeling overcame me and a lump in my throat formed. Where was the structure? Where was the woman living there? Did they remove the bus stop because someone was living there? She was displaced, made more invisible than before, if that was even possible. Is she okay?  

Each one of us has our own unique experience, our own journey, our own challenges, our own history. There is no one right path and there are many, many bumps along the way. In the end it is not judgment, criticism, blame, or comparing that gets us through. It is pure love, kindness and compassion, with a dose of laughter. We are all human and you'd be surprised at how far a little love, a little kindness, a little compassion will take you. For yourself and for others, at all ages. And if you need to hate something, hate the hate in the world. Peace. 

Time to listen to I Come Apart by A$AP Rocky (featuring Florence Welch) and go do something strictly for you. Read a book. Go for a walk. Cook your favorite meal. Have cocktails with friends. Sit outside and listen to the noises around you. Listen to your favorite playlist. 

Me? 

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always.

-Amy

Deep struggles on Sunday.

 

-Gayle Oshrin

Several months ago, I wrote about Sundays. People describe Sunday as Sunday FUN-day. For me, it isn't quite that. At all. It is not a great day for me typically. That sounds negative and I don't mean for it to sound that way. I am just being honest and open about the struggles that plague me more typically on Sundays than on other days. It is an end. It is a day I feel the anticipatory anxiety of what is to come. I feel restless and less grounded. I am not comfortable and I don't feel settled. I feel behind. I feel a sense of loss more on Sunday than on any other day. As the day wears on, I become more and more quiet, withdrawn. Simply put, it is not a fun day for me. Or probably for those around me!

When I was growing up, Sunday dinner was always a highlight. When we would visit family in New Jersey (a frequent occasion) we would often stay for Sunday dinner at my grandparents' house. Looking back, that was always a special night. An evening we were together as family. Sharing a meal, some laughs, with sports in the background on tv, crowded into one room piled on top of one another. It was always the same meal. Tradition and constant. I didn't appreciate that time as much as I do now, but even then I knew it was special. What I wouldn't do for just one more of those Sunday meals. 

Today I am sad. 

I am just very sad. 

This is the last Sunday with Sage home. She has spent the weekend saying goodbye to her friends. Not one to cry often, when tears form in her eyes, it crushes my heart into pieces. She has been very quietly and diligently packing for her next adventure. We leave on Thursday night for Ohio. Ohio State University is about to be changed forever. Sorry, I am still learning. The Ohio State University is about to be changed forever.  I am very excited to watch what she is able to do in this world. Oh the places she will go. She is ready to soar and spread her strong wings.

While this is just the beginning for her, it is an end for me. I know, I know. It is a beginning for me too. But, is it? So much of my life has been lived. Lived well. Lived beautifully. In the complex and messy way that life is meant to be. But nevertheless, lived. So, my baby leaving the nest is a loss. A loss of youth. A loss of identity. A loss of knowing. A loss of being. A loss of what was to be. A loss of what never was. A loss of what was, too. 

I seek connection. I always have. I have done many things in the name of connection, with the knowledge that I will at times be rejected. That is difficult to admit, especially publicly. Out loud. With this part of my life ending for now, my life becomes less tethered, less connected. 

So what do I do with all of this?  

I let myself feel these things. I do not push them away. I acknowledge that by allowing myself these emotions, it adds to my healing. It adds to my strength. It adds to my life experience. The key I think is to recognize them for what they are. Emotions. Feelings. They are but a part of me, not the whole me. At my spine, my backbone, is me. Finding space, finding room. When the absence grows and the emptiness begins to creep in, I seek space. I seek a new understanding. I seek new possibilities. I seek a deeper meaning. A deeper connection within. And I smile. I laugh. 

I remember that this life is a gift. It is fleeting and can change in a single moment. I need to appreciate the here, the now, the moment, the present. I push away the self-loathing that sometimes finds me and I look at the beauty in the world. Celebrate the differences and appreciate the similarities we all share. 

I stay open. I wear my heart on my sleeve so that no one ever feels alone. So that people know it is okay to be vulnerable and strong at the same time. To know that we are all human, we all feel, and we are all in this together even if our individual journeys take us down different paths. And, we never stop growing. Even at the end, there is always a new beginning. Always.

Time to put on Clarity by Vance Joy and let's keep living!

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always. 

The art of racing in the rain

 

This is the face that stared at me all morning. 

Literally, all morning. 

I would feel this presence. The warmth of something looking at me. I'd turn my head in his direction and Chappy would be staring. Just staring. I finally had to move a chair over to the island so he could sit next to me while I worked. He even made a guest appearance on a Teams call. 

I was confused. 

Why was Chappy being so needy? What was going on with him? I was working. I was going about my day, but he kept pawing me. Kept staring. 

So, I thought about it and then finally put aside the slight annoyance of it all. I started to appreciate it. Chappy needed connection. He needed eye contact. He needed touch, to feel close. 

Chappy is very good at reminding me to live in the moment. He doesn't care about obligations, the phone or social media. All he wants is love. All he wants is kindness. All he wants is connection. All he wants is a simple moment. 

A simple moment. 

I started this blog originally as a vehicle to share recipes that I had been making but it felt odd just writing a recipe down. I felt like I needed to share a little bit of perspective as well. You see, I strive to have at least one moment every day where I am fully present. Fully in the moment. It can last 5 seconds or 5 minutes. Hence the title of my blog. Simple Moments Each Day. 

I will be brutally honest. Experiencing a simple moment is very hard for me to accomplish most days. I find that my mind races and it is difficult to settle myself enough to fully recognize or appreciate that simple moment when it occurs. To experience a connection with myself and also a real connection with those around me. To feel really safe and close to someone and to myself. To feel grounded. To feel my mind empty when I look at someone deep in their eyes or at myself in the mirror. To fully be in that moment. To really appreciate that singular moment. To just be. 

Chappy reminded today that it is okay to have that moment. He stared at me until I paused. So that I would take that moment. To just be. To be, well, to be me. 

Time to put on Underwater by Rufus Du Sol and let's get cooking. Let's do something a little different this time. Make a favorite recipe. One that is beautiful and filled with lots of colors. One that inspires you to create. One that reminds you that food is art. Light the candle. Fill the wine glass. Listen to your favorite songs. Take a moment to appreciate the blank palette, your work space. And then take your time. Enjoy the moment to cook. Your favorite recipe. For yourself. 

Remember that we are all growing. Always. It may not always be fun or comfortable but it is always good. Always.

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always.

Wdym words aren't just words?

 

Looking out my window. Seeing the distance. Finding the light beyond the hard surface of the wing amongst the darkness. Focusing on hope.

My friend and I have been having a meaningful conversation in writing (we live continents apart) about language. Words that capture the essence of something. There is no word for it specifically in the English language but it exists in other languages. I love this concept. A word that describes an essence, a feeling. For me it is a reminder that English is just one language of so many and it inspires me. It signifies hope. The world is vast and the universe beyond even more so. There is so much to learn from our surroundings and each other. Often it is important to look beyond yourself and your own world to understand life, context, and perspective itself.  It also  is important  to remember that while life comes at you or you react to your life, you also project life. You are active in your life. I forget this sometimes especially when I get so caught up in the routine of thought and being. The necessary pause, breath, space to understand the moment. 

Komorebi is the image of sunlight streaming through the branches of trees. Now that you have seen this you might recognize it more often like I have now that I know this word. Of course it is the easiest to capture in a photograph. 

When I look at photographs, see a piece of art, watch a film or encounter something on a walk, it can instill an emotion.  I love that in other languages there may be an actual word for what I may be feeling. Take a look at some other words that have resonated with me.  I saw these recently in a book that same beautiful friend recommended to me. 

So sometimes there isn't a word for how I may be feeling in life, but sometimes there is. I just have to look beyond myself to find it. 

Time to put on Dark Red by Steve Lacy and let's get cooking. 

I have been missing Martha's Vineyard something fierce lately. It is a special place for me and each time I go, I find out a little bit more about myself. Maybe I am missing the search. Maybe I am missing a moment in time. 

In honor of the Vineyard, I am making Beach Salad. I had it for lunch today and I include a link here for you. Enjoy!

Please click here for Beach Salad.

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always.