Feelings

I have always loved writing.  I remember writing poetry at an early age.  I remember writing about my uncle who was killed in a car accident. I remember writing about the sea. Then, older, I remember two papers I wrote in college (race relations at Colgate using Homer's Odyssey was one and the other comparing the movie Fatal Attraction to Jane Eyre) that I absolutely loved writing at the time. Do I specifically remember because I received good grades or because I had really thought about and believed in what I put down on paper? 

Maybe it was because I found a voice that no one could tell me was wrong. I could express myself unabashedly. I didn't write expecting many people to read what I had written. In fact until the internet I don't think I cared if anyone read it. I am embarrassed to admit but I know I care if anyone reads these words. Why though? Why should I care? Validation for my voice? Why do I need validation for me just being me? 

For those who know me, I am an extrovert. I express. I am someone who lives by connection and I basically seek it in every aspect of my life. I reach out to all sorts of people in many different ways. Sometimes I reach out knowing I’ll be rejected. I reach out to people that are like me and unlike me. I also believe in the underdog. I believe in making sure no one ever feels alone. I believe in connecting people. I believe in kindness always. I am very hard on myself. I feel. I feel deeply. Too deeply especially without an appropriate outlet to express myself. Writing then becomes cathartic. It opens my mind and brings a form of clarity.

I am more expressive in words than when I am when interacting or being with those I love sometimes, maybe more than sometimes actually. Is that fear? I keep up some version of a wall, which may be surprising for some, but then why is it easy for me to write it down. Especially in such an open way. Is it a cover? I go back to what I wrote before. I can write without seeing a reaction. I can be vulnerable without being vulnerable - it is safer. I can write and then pretend I didn't because that isn't public facing. No one can tell me my feelings are wrong but don't I need the interaction and the challenge to grow?  

In some ways, there is similarity to what acting might be like. When you are acting, you can be open and vulnerable by being the vehicle for the vision of the director and producers but it isn't really showing who I am deep inside, not really anyway. Assumptions are made about the actor based on their roles or interviews. Assumptions can also be made by what I write especially because it is inherently personal but my writing is about a singular moment in time. In both acting and writing then, it is a form of expression, whilst keeping a part of myself safe or guarded. I long to feel comfortable taking the risk in all aspects of my life. Feeling confident that if I fall yet again, I can and will pick myself up as a stronger more fulfilled person. Letting myself go. Just to be. Truly be. 

I have always thought that I could have done something more expressive artistically in my life. I have always, always dreamed about it and I could almost touch it at various points. Is that ridiculous? Is that stupid?  Is it cliché? 

Yes. Yes, it is in some ways. 

But does it make it wrong? 

What brought me to sit down this morning? Why did I feel the need to write? I mean I just wrote a blog post.  I think yesterday I touched the surface and there was still so much more to process than I realized.

I am feeling emotional. I am feeling vulnerable. It is scary but it make me human and it makes me feel alive. My world is on the cusp of changing yet again. I am about to watch my daughter play in her last home soccer game. She is injured but fighting strong. So many emotions flow through me. It isn't her last soccer game but it is the last one I will witness in her home stadium. The world that I have known and been comfortable living for so long is shifting. The ground is shaky and therefore my core is unstable. Change is coming. And, I can write about change but facing it inside and out, individually and head on, that is the moment. Will I watch the change or be the change? What do you think?

So, this is my playlist. I don't know if you'll be able to access it but I am giving it a try. 

Repeat Playlist

In the event it doesn't, play Homecoming by Ye, with Chris Martin. All drama aside, listen or read these lyrics. They are masterful. 

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always. 

Amy

Question.

 

What do you feel when you look at this photograph? Does it remind you of anything in your life? Does your mind go somewhere, anywhere? To a memory or to someplace you'd like to go? The varying texture, the lighting. Are you pleasantly surprised when you see the sea in the background? 

What about this one? The details of the delicate petals set against the concrete. The colors of the Shirley poppy. What do you see? Does looking, really looking at this invoke any emotion? Does it make you dream? Do you imagine the setting around the stems? Do you allow your mind and heart to wander there?

What happens when you listen to music? Is it background noise? Does it speak to your core? Either, neither, both? Do you have songs of the moment that you listen to on repeat, or do you need to listen to different songs all day long. 

Searching. Seeking. Finding space. To be. To feel. To experience. To be vulnerable and to be okay in that vulnerability. To be present. To mark a moment and everything that is happening around you in that one singular moment. 

There are hopefully several times in a day when you feel something. A simple moment. It can be making a mistake and feeling shame. It can be when you see a tender interaction between people which instills a lightness. It can be looking into a dog's eyes and finding the unconditional love you needed to find there. Don't get me wrong. Feeling can be difficult. Feeling can be challenging. Especially if the emotion makes you feel badly. In the end though, it is so much better to feel something than to feel nothing at all. Giving yourself permission to feel it all is the best gift of all. 

Song to Play: What They'll Say About Us by Finneas

Book to Read: Hitchhiking with Larry David by Paul Samuel Dolman

Recipe to Cook: Put on your favorite song and let's get cooking. 

Asian Chicken and Cabbage Salad - Bon Appetit, 2013

1 jalapeño pepper with a few seeds, chopped (I omit or use milder pepper)
1/3 cup canola oil
1/4 cup fresh lime juice (always fresh squeezed)
2T reduced sodium soy sauce
2 tsp. light brown sugar
1 tsp. fish sauce (such as nam pla or nuoc nam)
1 tsp. peeled, grated ginger
Kosher salt
1/2 head red cabbage, thinly sliced, about 5 cups
3/4 cup shredded carrots (for last two I buy bagged cabbage, broccoli slaw, carrots-much faster)
4 scallions, white and green parts only, thinly sliced
3 cups shredded roasted chicken breast (or brined and grilled or rotisserie for a super fast meal)
1 cup baby spinach, thinly sliced
1/3 cup chopped fresh cilantro
1/4 cup chopped dry roasted peanuts (omit or substitute per allergy)
1 tsp. toasted sesame seeds

Whisk chili, oil, lime juice, soy sauce, brown sugar, fish sauce and ginger; season with salt if necessary. Can be made ahead.

In a large bowl, combine cabbage, carrots, spinach, scallions and cilantro; toss to combine. Can be made ahead, covered and refrigerated.

Pour dressing over salad and toss; add chicken and toss to coat. Top with peanuts and sesame seeds.

Serves 4.

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always. 

Do you Wordle?

 

Do you Wordle? 

I do.

You know what I love about it? 

The simplicity. 

There is no need for an app. It is not social media. Anyone with an internet connection can access it. It has a Goldilocks amount of challenge and I feel like I have accomplished something when I complete each puzzle. It is something I can do every day, and it doesn't take more than a few minutes. An easy habit.

I love that I can talk about it with people of all ages without actually talking about it. It is something people can share but no one discloses the answer. There is no drama to it. There are no "sides". It is just wordle. How novel!

You see, I long to just be. 

Just be. 

It is my biggest challenge lately. To sit quietly within myself. To take the space to appreciate, understand and live in the moment. Life in my head is moving at warp speed and I want to slow it down but I don't know how. I look in the mirror and think about how much time has passed. How can I be my age but feel like I am still 20 years younger? There is so much more I want to do. Those life-long dreams. Are they still attainable? Do I have the courage to take the risk to chase a dream and will that fulfill me? 

As I continue to race, I look for things that force me to sit still but also to be still in my mind. Focus. Recently I was on vacation in Cabo. Senior mother / daughter trip with friends. The moms were on a hike with a man who runs a shelter/day care for dogs. He takes groups up this hill every morning - it provides exercise for the dogs and the people learn a bit along the way. Ok when I say hill I really mean, mountain! We were like scaling the side of it!!!  There were a lot of people on this particular trek, maybe 30 and I am guessing maybe 10 dogs, maybe more? I wasn't able to fully appreciate the view from where we were but it was really beautiful. It was a great deal more challenging than I realized it would be and I found myself racing up and racing down. 

On the way down, I found myself slipping a few times and then I definitively fell..... into a cactus. 

Yes. A cactus. 

Aside from the pain and thorns, there is definitely humor there (well maybe the humor came after the fact, after some champagne). There is also a lesson. I was rushing through the moment. Not taking care to recognize where I was. I wasn't appreciating the journey. I wanted the destination. And if I hadn't fallen, I am not sure I would have recognized that lesson. Life is a balance, isn't it?

Song to Listen To: That's Where I Am by Maggie Rogers (loving this song)

Book to Read:  The Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh (one of my favorites)

Recipe to Make: We visited Flora Farms in Cabo. We went there for a cooking lesson and then stayed and had lunch. It was my second time visiting this dream of a place. The lighting, the vegetables, the teachers, the setting. It is so magical for me. I get giddy just thinking about it. 

Tonight, as I sip a glass of wine,  I am remembering the margaritas we had when we arrived at the farm. I thought I would provide the recipe here. I am not a huge sweet cocktail person so these really hit the spot. Enjoy!

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always.