Ongoing search

 

I’m sitting in an airport.  It is a small airport in the town where I grew up. It has been 30 years since I have lived here and since then I have lived in Arlington, VA, Washington, DC, Waltham and Needham, MA, Evans and Augusta, GA. 

I am a family person. I love my family and feel that the most important part of a person’s world is their family. In many ways growing up I was my most comfortable self with my family. There were many nights my cousins and brother would go out but I was just as happy playing Pictionary with my grandparents, parents and aunt/uncle. 

It is not lost on me that I currently live hours away from my extended family. It is not lost on me that I’m terrified I haven’t passed that importance or value along to my kids. It is not lost on me that I feel a huge sense of loss that my side of the family hasn’t seen each other in years and that I have missed tremendous moments in the lives of family on both sides. 

I have been doing so much thinking lately. I have most definitely been in my head. I think it’s why I started writing again. It has been my journal, albeit a public one, and I missed that outlet when I stopped. Many people may wonder why I would write in such a public way. Why put myself out there and share feelings that are supposed to be kept inside?. 

I will tell you, I feel it is a risk. I can be and have been misunderstood. People can judge or form opinions based on what they read and misinterpret what I’m about. That said, I also feel like it’s a relief and a release when I write. 

There have been times in my life where I have felt quieted. I didn’t have a voice or shouldn’t have a voice and if I did, how would I express that voice. I loved acting. I came close a couple of times of getting serious about that as an outlet. I love to cook, to create meals that are beautiful to present. I love to wear clothes that make me feel good but are beautiful pieces of art. I love to create living spaces that are warm and comfortable where people want to gather and feel safe and laugh. I have always wanted an art in my life. I’m creative without that unique talent. That has been something I have thought about so often in my life. I have always wanted to excel at something. Anything.  

I have found lately that I’m needing to get to a place of allowing myself to be free and open and vulnerable. I’m an extrovert and many people who know me will know I wear my heart on my sleeve. They might think I already am open - or too open - heck I write a blog! But still, I seek moments when I can be so vulnerable and connected to myself, where I could get almost shaky in that nakedness. Those moments are so hard to come by and they allow for complete acceptance of myself. Think about watching someone dance when they really feel the music. Think about an actor who allows complete vulnerability so that a viewer can connect to that character. Think about being so focused and zeroed in that time has simply vanished. After all of this time, I am still learning about myself. I’m still seeking.

I have been open about struggles I have had in my life. I do this thoughtfully and purposefully, knowing and experiencing the consequences, which at times have been more difficult than going through the actual struggle.  It is extremely important to me that people not feel alone.  I believe in being kind to all because you truly don’t know what they are experiencing. I also think it’s important to laugh. And laugh hard. 

So I think all of this.  And I write. To myself and to anyone who cares to read. I have boarded my plane. I’m now seated in seat 10D and my flight is about to take off.  I will put in my ear buds, play I Got You by Michael Franti (always thinking of you Allison when I listen) and think about what meal I plan to make tomorrow for my family. 

But if you need a good recipe immediately, I’ve been craving Cheddar Corn Chowder by Ina Garten.  Click here for the recipe   

Goodbye for now, Bethlehem. 

Peace and love to all  

Dance Party

This summer my brother created a playlist and it inspired me to do the same. I have a playlist that I listen to when I walk (that my daughter named Mom Music - and no, that didn't make me feel outdated and old - not at all!!). I have various playlists for yoga as well, but I was in the mood to create something. Something... Anything. So, I asked the girls and Kelley to provide some of their favorites, and I included some (ok, many) of mine. The end result was our first family playlist. I will say it took awhile to get everyone on board. One daughter wanted to include country because she knew that I didn't love it and another needed a few reminders, but the finished product is a 4 hour mix that I listen to.....often. It makes me feel close to my family and it makes me happy. It has such a huge array of genres and I actually love them all. Sometimes I listen to it in its order and sometimes I shuffle - both give a different feel, depending on my mood. 

Last night, I poured myself a glass of wine and put on the mix (ok, playlist) on Sonos and started prepping tacos for dinner. Kelley was working in the office and Sage was at soccer. Kid Cudi came on and I just started dancing. All over the kitchen. And you know what, it felt great. It was a good moment. Found some space and it was good.

My parents are moving to Washington, D.C. to live closer to family. My mom will be in an independent apartment in a retirement community and my father will be in the same facility but with additional care. Mom will be able to see him every day and she will finally live near family. A first in many, many years. In cleaning out our childhood home in Pennsylvania where my mom has lived for over 50 years, my brother came across this treasure. 

My dad would make an Armenian dish every so often. It was complex and something he really enjoyed doing. I have memories of him working away in my grandparents' kitchen and in my aunt and uncle's house doing the same, usually around Thanksgiving. The fact that he would take great care to do something so meaningful for his family and culture that he was not related to by blood, always got caught in my heart. This cookbook cover is my maternal grandfather's writing (Boboo) - directing to my dad's recipe. The writing on the recipe page is my father's and at the very bottom is a special note - 11/26/1999, the day my dad "initiated" my brother and cousins into preparing this dish. 

Time to put on Love Tonight by Shouse and dance, I mean cook! Or both.....

Recently, I made a delicious recipe from Alexandra Cooks. Veggie-Loaded Stuffed Bell Peppers. Lately, I have been eating less meat and this dish was very filling. 

Click the link for the recipe!

Enjoy!

Dancing in the Moonlight

Time. It passes so quickly that I find it difficult to sit in the moment. To really appreciate the moment. To take the space to understand the moment. 

Then, lately, I have been realizing that so much of my life has passed me by. To observe my parents age before my eyes and to see my children hit the age I still feel close to (but am removed by 30 years) has started to weigh on me. Hitting 51 for some reason has given me a dose of reality, maybe too much of one. I begin to think and question myself because I still think "young" and feel like I just graduated college and am living post-college life, but then I realize 9/11 was 20 years ago and my 30th Colgate Reunion is next year. I come to the stark realization that I am perceived, especially by my beautiful daughters and those around me as "old". My body is different. My face is different. My life experience is deeper. I find the need to pass along life lessons in ways I didn't in the past and I am not sure the ears are there to listen. Or even should be.  I never imagined all of the sudden being in this particular place in life. 

Of course this is not a bad place to be. There is a tremendous amount of the present and past for which to be grateful. I do truly believe that some of the very best in life is yet to come. In many ways, especially if you look at the social media lens, that misleading lens, my life looks extremely charmed. It is all relative of course and the mind and heart battle does not visibly show to the world usually. The battles we fight within. 

I think about past dreams - acting school, interior design, opening a tiny cafe or a yoga practice, speaking another language, traveling, finding that creative passion. I think about the feeling of being free, of allowing myself to be vulnerable and open, of experiencing that singular moment and letting myself float there. I think about finding that space and being comfortable in it. A lot of what I mentioned is not time-limited. It feels like it is but it isn't. This week I am grappling with that and I thought I would share my internal struggle. If you ever deal with these kinds of thoughts and feelings, you are not alone. 

So, I sit with it or I should say I allow myself to sit with it. And I go back to my favorite quote, Bird by Bird, by Annie Lamott. 

Tine to listen to Sad People by Kid Cudi and let's get cooking. Like many of my favorite dishes, my sister in law introduced our family to this one when we were on Martha's Vineyard this summer. Martha's Vineyard is the place I feel most real and most in the moment. Since then, we have made this dish several times and it has become a family favorite. It is from Whole in One: Complete, Healthy Meals in a Single Pot, Sheet Pan, Or Skillet by Ellie Krieger. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and enjoy your day.