Movie Review-Bones and All

 

Facts: I am not a professional critic. I am not in the entertainment industry. I am not a writer by trade. 

Why am I writing a review about Bones and All when I have never done such a thing before. Why do I feel I have a right to do so? Why do I want to? 

Here are some reasons:

1)  I love cinema. I love everything that goes into the making of a film. Every last detail, including the messaging and marketing of it. I find all of it fascinating and as I age, I just want to learn more and more. So, I study it in a way. The films that affect me the most are the ones where it doesn't feel like people are acting. There is no hyperbole or grandiose over-acting. Just authentic, artistic expression.

2)  I love writing. I may not be very skilled or talented but I write from the heart. I express myself in writing in ways I find difficult expressing in person sometimes.

3)  For those interested in seeing a film, it might be helpful to read a review from an average person in the world who happens to love movies. Personally, I love gaining perspective and learning different opinions on anything, really. Learning from more than just a professional viewpoint. 

When someone looks at a piece of art, listens to a song, watches a dance or sees a film, they are taking in that experience through the lens of their own history, culture, experiences, nature, and perspective. I truly believe that the world is more meaningful because of our uniqueness and because of our diverse experiences. I look for similarities but appreciate differences. I love learning those viewpoints. Maybe you'll appreciate a different viewpoint for this film. 

4)  I love an underdog. I love films where the collaboration is strong. In this case, where the filmmakers believed in the story and each other so much that they didn’t take a salary at first. Where the art came first. Where the story isn't typical or mainstream but the messages are still there for anyone who is willing to watch with an open mind. I consider Bones and All to be an underdog, a beautiful and amazing underdog. 

Here it goes: There are mild spoilers here but I actually think that it is okay to know them before watching the movie. I knew a ton going into the theatre and I believe that only enhanced my experience.

I read Bones and All by Camille DeAngelis twice once I learned that it was going to be made into a movie. I always enjoy reading source material and I suppose I read the novel knowing some of the filmmakers were attached to the movie. In hindsight I probably read it with a more specific voice in my head. I still have to think on that one a bit. I have read and watched many, many interviews with almost, if not everyone attached to Bones and All. I guess in many ways I have studied this film. The screenplay by David Kajganich is simply superb and a beautiful adaptation of the book. I read an article with him about the major differences between the two and the reasons why and I agreed with all of them actually. 

I know. I know. It seems crazy that I would focus my time on a horror/romance film with cannibalism in it no less. One of my favorite films is Call Me By Your Name. Luca Guadagnino directed that film and since seeing that a few years ago I have tried to watch everything in his repertoire. He is a true auteur. I have read interviews where Luca Guadagnino discusses his art. Simply put, I believe he is brilliant. He has this remarkable talent of creating a community and a safe space where actors are able and encouraged to find and display raw human emotion. That is pretty rare. I am going to watch anything his name is attached to, period. I know that whatever he works on is going to have meaning. It is going to be authentic. It is going to be relatable in some way and it is going to be beautiful. Bones and All definitely fell into that category. 

The last movie I saw in the theatre before the pandemic was Little Women. I loved the book and I found the 2019 version unbelievably moving. The acting and the direction of Greta Gerwig (another amazing director) were just very special. Timothée Chalamet was in that film and it was the first time I saw his acting. I was struck by his talent as well as that of Saoirse Ronan and Florence Pugh. During Covid, I started watching their work. It was then I found Call Me By Your Name. I have seen that film multiple times and I will watch anything with Timothée Chalamet in it for the same reasons that I watch anything directed by Luca Guadagnino. Knowing Timothée Chalamet and Michael Stuhlbarg were in this movie, along with Mark Rylance, just intrigued me, especially after reading the book. It made me want to learn more.

I wrote a blog post about Bones and All when it competed at the Venice Film Festival, months before it actually was released in theatres. (Click here to read it). This week I saw Bones and All twice. The first time I saw this film, it stayed with me. After the credits rolled and long after I left the theatre, it still stayed with me. That in itself says something. The second time in the theatre I truly loved it, bones and all. 

This film is a story of a teenager who is abandoned by her father and as a result is on a journey to find herself, her story, her independence in a world on her own. She meets others like her who challenge the kind of person she wants to be and what she wants from her future. The love story begins when she meets Lee and it really is beautiful.

I urge everyone to give this movie a chance, despite the subject matter. It is uncomfortable in parts but please look for the metaphors for they are plentiful. Look at what the cannibalism represents in 1980s rural America and in America today. For me, the cannibalism represents the most ugly parts of ourselves that make us feel truly alone. Then what happens when you find yourself and unconditional love in the eyes of someone else and seeing how truly terrifying, beautiful, precious, fragile and life-affirming that can be. It also represents loss and that there is pain in growth. Some of the most beautiful moments in life are also the most tragic and with discomfort comes space. I think if we are all honest with ourselves we have felt alone, on the outside of fitting in and without a voice. The characters and the story are relatable in that way, for this viewer anyway. 

Bones and All is beautifully disturbing. The emotional complexity in this film is intense and is what sticks with me. From the very first image on the screen, I was drawn into the film. Luca Guadagnino has said we don't watch horror movies to witness death so much as to feel alive. This rings true. The cinematography is mind-blowing and Arseni Khachaturan deserves a special shout-out for that. The acting by every single person is hauntingly incredible. The complexity in simple expressions are captivating. The direction. The lasting shots. The score. The music and the setting are pivotal characters in the film. The ability of Taylor Russell and Timothée Chalamet to play broken, tortured souls who are able to find themselves in each other is heartbreaking and really phenomenal. There’s one scene I wish they had shown more because it was such a crucial moment in their relationship. 

One of my favorite interviews was where they broke down the scene where they first met. It reminded me of the interview with Michael Stuhlbarg and Timothée Chalamet where they broke down every scene in Call Me By Your Name. The more I know about films and their background, the more invested I am. I could listen to everyone talk about the filming process for hours. 

When you hear about Bones and All and what it is about, your first impression might be to pass. This is not a film for everyone. But if you can look past gore, please go see it. I have no idea about this but I think some of the gore has been edited out, even since it was first shown. I didn't find it off-putting. Just be prepared for it, that's all. See the film for what it is. A beautiful piece of art made by people who believe in the expression and the experience. It's pretty remarkable. Congratulations to everyone involved (and to Timothée Chalamet's first producing credit at 26 years old)! 

4/5 stars or 93%. 

A side note: I write poetry on a site called The Marrow now. Click here to read.  In this format, I have tried fiction for the first time in a series called the club.  There are 3 chapters out - take a look! 

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always. 

136/135: Mourning Dad

 Appendix

John W. Jacob (Jack)
October 13, 1939 - October 19, 2022

A week ago almost exactly, my dad passed away. I was with him when he took his last breath. That was a true gift for me and I will forever be grateful for that moment. Dad lived a very full life but as many of you may know his last 10+ years were spent battling Alzheimer's. His quality of life at the end was not what anyone would have wanted and I am relieved he is no longer living in that cage. He has been dying for a long time really. I have been mourning him for a long time really. The dad I knew has not been present for a long time really. The finality though. That is much harder than I realized it would be. 

A week ago at this moment, Dad's breathing changed. I could tell that he had taken a turn. I had just put away the chair/bed and gotten dressed and ready for the day in his room at hospice. I reached out to my family and to the nurse. I was with him and realized that this was it.  I stopped trying to reach my family and put down my phone. I spoke to him and let him know that we were all going to be okay and he could finally be at peace. He had done an amazing job and I thanked him for absolutely everything. I don't know if he heard me. I don't know if he was even there at that point. But I hope he knew that a loving presence was there with him on behalf of everyone who loved him and that he did not die alone. A week ago at this exact time, my dad passed away. On my daughter's birthday. 

We had been to a wedding that weekend in Vermont. It was a celebration and it was amazing to spend time with family in a stunning setting. To see the fall colors, to witness the beginning of a new family and to simply just be together. I met some amazing people. I danced like nobody was watching. I reconnected and laughed like I hadn't in a long time. What a high! 

On Sunday, we were eating at the bar at Pizzeria Regina in Boston. A favorite. Pizza and beer. Patriots on TV. Grateful for the time before our plane took us back to Charlotte. Then, my brother called. We flew to DC instead. And the unexpected though expected occurred. 

But you know what? Different circumstances. Different family. Different reasons. Same reconnecting. We experienced something together. Same laughter at times. Same celebration of a cherished person. 

My brother gave a really beautiful eulogy. It captured the essence of Dad in a way I didn't think was possible. I have never been more proud of my brother than in that very moment. As a natural leader with an incredible presence, he gave our family the biggest gift by standing up there and expressing in that beautiful chapel what Dad gave to this world and to the people he loved. John had asked family and close friends to provide their thoughts about Dad and the common themes that came through during those descriptions were remarkable really. Touching to say the least. 

John's memoir also made me realize something. Even when Dad wasn't really speaking or speaking very little. Even when aspects of his personality changed with the advancing of his disease. Even when he no longer walked on his own. Even when he didn't know who we were. He was still Dad. He still said he loved us. He still shook our hand firmly. He still said he was happy. He still hung on and remained strong. Till the very end. The essence of Dad never left, even when so much of him had been stripped away. 

So, we celebrated. We honored. We reminisced. We were simply together. We saw people from all aspects of my dad's life in one place with the common thread of loving him. It was overwhelmingly moving and beautiful. To see friends and family I had not seen in years. To see my first grade, third grade, sixth grade, high school physics teachers and my field hockey coach.  To see people who drove from long distances to be there if only for an hour or two. All for Dad. Words won't ever express what that meant. He would have absolutely loved that most of all. Seeing everyone together. And to everyone who has reached out or responded (and still are), that means so much. It allows me to see how Dad affected those around him and it helped me remember the Dad that was before Alzheimer's and that was perhaps the greatest gift of all. 

Dad was simply a great man. He lived an intentional life. He chose a career where he could be part of a real community. He cherished his family and his wife more than anything. His lessons were countless. He was kind and loving. He was generous in every way and he made the world better by simply being in it. I will miss him more than I can express. I love you, Dad. You did an amazing job and now you can rest in peace. 

As I said in my last post, go out there and feel today. Feel it all. The highs and the lows. Allow the tears but don't forget to laugh along the way, and laugh hard. A real belly laugh. Hold onto something hard when you need to feel grounded and take a minute to look at our beautiful sky. Dance alone. Dance with other people. Really feel the music. Find art in the every day. Make a beautiful and colorful meal (click here for meal index). Be spontaneous. Figure out something you can do to make the world better, brighter, kinder and realize that we all play a part. Find compassion for yourself and others. Find empathy for yourself and others. Create a safe space for someone to be themselves while creating a safe space for you to be yourself. Be inclusive and collaborative. Celebrate differences and seek similarities. We are here together as ourselves once and we need to make it count. Connect to yourself so that you can connect more deeply with others. Just be. 

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always.

Amy

My final post-135/135

 

Me.

September. 

Fall. 

Summer begins to close as trees start to signal a shift and the air I breathe begins to have a crispness in smell and feel. 

The familiarity of the season begins even as the temperatures stay warm. 

Summer tries to remain even as the lighting and the sky shift ever so slightly. 

Time moves forward but soon will step back. Darkness arrives as a blanket, comforting me into autumn. 

Transition. Shift. Change.  

Appreciate. Love. Learn. Apply.

I went to the beach for the day this past weekend. The beach has always been a special place for me. The memories of going to different beaches span my entire life. It is a constant. It is a reminder that the world is vast, the tides will continue and the waves will come to shore long after I am gone. 

Writing in this way has been meaningful in ways that I don't think I can even put into words though meraki comes close. 

Writing helps me process. It allows me the freedom to feel as I do, not as I should. It is an outlet for the energy that feels trapped and unexpressed. It provides a creative escape for a piece of myself that does not feel comfortable in my space, my skin. It has allowed me to dream a bit and expand what may be and what is, instead of being constrained. I am not a trained writer but I do write from my heart. 

Some people have wondered why I put myself out there, why I allow my vulnerability to be on display. Some people have felt it is too self-focused while others call it helpful and are grateful to know they are not alone. I have heard both positive and negative reactions to this blog from many people and I have always appreciated the discourse.

My posts are but a moment in time and written to show another, maybe more honest side. I write to show that it is okay not to be happy all the time. Wearing my heart on my sleeve shows that sometimes thinking about hard things is a sign of strength, not weakness. I share the lonely parts to let people know that it is okay to feel. To let myself know that it is okay. To remind myself that I am okay. 

Social media has changed our world, and continues to change it, in so many different ways. It divides, it unites, it isolates, it connects, it bullies and it provides a voice. There is obviously significant research and there are many arguments about how it affects our psyche and the way we view and treat each other. To me, the world feels more cruel. Maybe we just know more, too much, about each other. The ways we treat each other passive aggressively instead of with compassionate intention. I read what people feel comfortable writing because they never have to say it to someone's face and am blown away by what I see at times. 

Social media can also create a false sense of accessibility and I have most definitely fallen into that trap on more than one occasion. For someone like me who thrives on connection, I have reached out in ways I am not proud of and have done so knowing that I will certainly be rejected, maybe feeling in a way that I deserve to be rejected.  

Appreciate. Learn. Love. Apply. 

We adapt. We grow with change and transition. Experiences build upon each other and provide us with strength. They fill us up. They inspire and they provide hope. 

So, go out there and feel today. Feel it all. The highs and the lows. Allow the tears but don't forget to laugh along the way, and laugh hard. A real belly laugh. Hold onto something hard when you need to feel grounded and take a minute to look at our beautiful sky. Dance alone. Dance with other people. Really feel the music. Find art in the every day. Make a beautiful and colorful meal (click here for meal index). Be spontaneous. Figure out something you can do to make the world better, brighter, kinder and realize that we all play a part. Find compassion for yourself and others. Find empathy for yourself and others. Create a safe space for someone to be themselves while creating a safe space for you to be yourself. Be inclusive and collaborative. Celebrate differences and seek similarities. We are here together as ourselves once and we need to make it count. Connect to yourself so that you can connect more deeply with others. Just be. 

As always, here is some music. Music saves me. I feel its absence when I don't listen and it adds to my world. Every. Single. Day. 

Current Playlist - best played in the morning 

What They'll Say About Us - Finneas

Red Eye (feat. Haim) - Kid Cudi

Homecoming (feat. Chris Martin) - Ye

Dark Red - Steve Lacy

Ocean Eyes - Billie Eilish

Lovin' Me (feat. Phoebe Bridgers) - Kid Cudi

Funeral - Phoebe Bridgers

More Than Life - Whitley

Preoccupied - Tarune

Song for the Waiting - Aron Wright

Rise - Eddie Vedder

Mystery of Love - Sufjan Stevens

Naked - Finneas

Underwater - Rufus Du Sol

Many Times - Dijon

I Come Apart (feat. Florence Welch) - A$AP Rocky

Guillotine (feat. Travis Medes) - Jon Bellion

Comin Out Strong (feat. The Weekend) - Future

White Ferrari - Frank Ocean

love. - Kid Cudi

Oh, Me (Live Acoustic) - Nirvana

Rich Man - Vampire Weekend

Friday I'm in Love - The Cure

N95 - Kendrick Lamar

The Motto - Tiesto & Ava Max

Take Me - Rufus Du Sol

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading.  

mwah.

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always.

Lessons From Art-Venice Film Festival

 

Today is the last day of August. 

I have been writing more which is always a sign that I am working through something. I have been feeling more untethered. In my head. Distracted. Frenetic even. Drawn to dark shows and films. Not looking towards the sun but sitting quietly in the shade of the gray. A light shade of gray, but still gray.

Those who know me know that I am all about connection. I write about it a lot. Being isolated this past week when I had Covid brought me inwards. This by itself isn't necessarily a bad thing. I actually like spending time by myself. I am pretty independent and while I crave connection, I also crave time alone too. Then why do I feel so unsettled? I should be able to be alone and comfortable, connected. Not on the gently shaky ground that I am on. Why is that? 

Then someone said something that made me pause.

Appreciate, love, learn and apply

Me.

Where there is fear there is lack of love. 

This too made me think. And it’s true. I have been scared lately. Scared out of my mind. 

At the moment, I am missing the most basic but also the most important connection. The one to myself. 

Appreciate, love, learn and apply

I have known this. This isn't (or shouldn’t be) a lightbulb moment since this notion has been floating in my head for a bit. Now, though, it is real, palpable. House is empty. Quiet. Candle burns slowly each day. Time to seek, find, be, well...me.

We all struggle with self-love and self-acceptance at some point and for some of us at different times of our lives. I am incredibly difficult on myself. I don't appreciate my greatness as I should at times but I also think I am a pretty cool person. I am who I am because of all of my experiences. Life is bumpy but that makes the adventure all the more worth living. I truly feel this.

I have said before that I am creative without a specified art. I find art in the every day and I have always sought outlets to express myself. I am also a huge fan of artists (all forms of art really) because of their ability to be so open and visual with their vulnerability. Their ability to be connected to themselves and to those around them. To see their vision become tangible, authentic and real. I appreciate people who are genuine and grounded in their ability to express themselves creatively and in an intelligent and self-reflecting way.

I have always wanted to act but never found the courage to do it professionally, even applying and getting into acting school in my 20s but then never going. I regret not chasing that dream. So, I watch a lot of movies. I watch shows. I read voraciously and I watch interviews. I study art, then, in an indirect way. I am a fan but I am more than a fan too.

The Venice Film Festival is this week. Many films are in competition and it is such a dreamlike setting for this event to take place. It would be a dream for me to be there to experience it one day. One film in competition is Bones and All which is based on a young adult book by Camille DeAngelis. The film is directed by one of my very favorite directors - Luca Guadagnino. 

I read a lot, including young adult novels. It keeps me aware of what life must be like for those growing up in the world right now. I enjoyed this book and read it twice to fully appreciate the complexity, as well as to determine how it could be made into a film. I read the book knowing it was going to become cinematic. I am happy to hear about some of the changes between the two mediums. It is difficult subject matter because of its dark elements. The story has stayed with me because of that darkness and because it’s so much more than the darkness. The darkness of course is a metaphor. 

In my opinion from what I know of both the book and film, this story is about love, acceptance and connection. The human experience really. Feeling like an outsider is scary and lonely. We have all been there at some point, haven’t we? We have all felt uncomfortable in our own skin and we have all felt alone too, if we are honest with ourselves.  

Maren and Lee are able to find self-love and self-acceptance which allows them to be comfortable enough to share and even love the most ashamed and lonely parts of themselves. 

Self-love and self-acceptance which leads to feeling more whole, more open to love and more connected to others and to the world. 

Appreciate, love, learn and apply

There is going to be a test screening for Bones and All in September. I think they are still working on the messaging of this film maybe. I really, really wish I could go. I am so excited and anxious to see how this book is translated into film. One of the reasons why I love Luca Guadagnino so, so much is because he pushes his actors to show real emotion and raw vulnerability. In turn, real art. The setting also becomes a character in his films. I’m not sure this film could be made without him. It is a dream team, really. Team being the integral word. I believe everyone associated with this film brings true authenticity, love and care  and I hope that the audiences are able to see the beautiful messages that are there waiting to be seen through these characters. I just have a feeling this is going to be really special while at times gruesome film. 

"Never feeling loved for everything that makes you yourself is the loneliest feeling in the world. This is the Maren I tried to make felt in #bonesandall" - Taylor Russell

Appreciate, love, learn and apply

Please Note: Going through times like these makes me appreciate the sun, appreciate the world that’s so much larger than me and it makes me appreciate the process,  I’m not sad. I’m growing. And that is a beautiful thing. 

As Walt Whitman said, "Keep your face always towards the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you"

Time to listen to Next to Me by Rufus du Sol and take a deep breath. Savor THIS moment. Breathe it all in. Reach every cell of your body. Breathe in and out space. Breathe in and out love for yourself. Breathe in and out love for others. Connect in then allow yourself to connect out.  And enjoy this very moment.  Bones and All.

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always. 

Amy

COVID sucks

 

Made it two years. Never diagnosed. Exposed to it. Surrounded by it. Took care of people with it. Never got it. Vaccinated. Boosted. Tested.

Till now.

Yes. I was bragging that I had never gotten Covid.
Yes. I was bragging that I never get sick. 

The next day? I got sick. 

One year on November 30, I spent some time with my beautiful newborn niece. She was about 8 weeks old and very uncomfortable. Colic. Like, bad, bad colic. We brought food and had dinner, taking turns holding the baby girl. The only time she stopped crying over the 2-3 hours was when she laid on my very pregnant belly. Draped over me on the couch, we joked that she and the baby inside me were silently communicating to one another. I did not move for 45 minutes because everyone was quiet. Finally. I was due on December 31. I walked out of their house that night, looked at Kelley and said, "Thank god we have another month because I am so not ready for this parenting thing."

My water broke at 6:30 a.m. the next morning. 

Yes, I am at a crossroads in my life. Yes, growing pains abound. That said, isn't it when you are in these moments that things can become more clear? We all have these moments. At several times in our lives. Some are pronounced and some slide under the radar. Some demand to be acknowledged and some are pushed away - denial isn't just a river in Eygpt (iykyk).

It has been raining for what feels like weeks. It is gray. It is gloomy. 

Covid is making me pause. Covid is making me reflect. Covid is making me sleep, and sleep A LOT. So much of social media is about showing how happy and good everything is. All the freaking time. You know what? Life is not great all of the time and that is A-OK! 

What happens when it stops raining? What happens after sleeping for hours on end? What happens when you stop after going through the motions of life for a bit? 

I wake UP! 

The edges become a little more vivid. The dreams become a little more real. The goals become a little more structured. The emptiness inside slowly gets refilled. The cycle continues.

Life is just a give and take. It is a paradox. Life just is. And it is amazing just to celebrate that fact. Relish in all of its moments. Happy, sad, growing, quiet, loud, laughing, simple and complex. Moments.

Time to put on More Than Life by Whitley and let's get cooking. 

Tacos. Yes, tacos. I love that the video makes it seem like it takes 3 minutes to make but it is worth every minute longer than 3 minutes. Have made with ground beef and chicken. Liked chicken better but honestly, the tortillas made this meal. Yes, it is an Instagram video. 

thefoodie.101

Yes, it was delicious. Enjoy! 

Pulled Chicken Taco Recipe

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always. 

Amy

A week later.

A week later. 

So much has changed yet so much is also the same. 

And yes, it is Sunday. Sunday. 

1000 miles traveled. A huge piece of me left behind. An empty feeling persists. Upon my return, a quieter house than even expected. Tears spontaneously form randomly. But. But. Underneath, a feeling. A feeling that this is right. This is the way it is supposed to go. A feeling that this is just a beginning for Sage, oh the places she will go and I can't wait to witness what is to come and how she will attack this next chapter of her life. Feeling confidence in her being. 

Letting go is hard. It hurts in a way that I can't even put into words. 

Once again, I look to other languages to find the essence of what I am feeling. 

This is a beginning for me too. I know it is but that is just going to take a little more time. I'll get there, I will. 

Time. 

I am strong. I am really okay. This is just a piece of me. A piece of what I carry. I use all of my experiences to make me a better person, a more complete person, a more feeling person. So I put myself out there. I am honest. And I remember that I am made of many parts. 

Time. 

There is a bus stop near my house and a woman has been living in it for the past several months. I check on her and have come to make it part of my routine to do so. I have mentioned her before. This past week I was driving to work and as usual, drove by this bus stop. Something looked different and then I realized immediately. I put on the breaks and pulled over. It was gone. The bus stop. The woman. Missing. Nothing left. No traces. As if it and she were never there in the first place. My heart missed a beat. My mind started darting rapidly. A shaky feeling overcame me and a lump in my throat formed. Where was the structure? Where was the woman living there? Did they remove the bus stop because someone was living there? She was displaced, made more invisible than before, if that was even possible. Is she okay?  

Each one of us has our own unique experience, our own journey, our own challenges, our own history. There is no one right path and there are many, many bumps along the way. In the end it is not judgment, criticism, blame, or comparing that gets us through. It is pure love, kindness and compassion, with a dose of laughter. We are all human and you'd be surprised at how far a little love, a little kindness, a little compassion will take you. For yourself and for others, at all ages. And if you need to hate something, hate the hate in the world. Peace. 

Time to listen to I Come Apart by A$AP Rocky (featuring Florence Welch) and go do something strictly for you. Read a book. Go for a walk. Cook your favorite meal. Have cocktails with friends. Sit outside and listen to the noises around you. Listen to your favorite playlist. 

Me? 

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always.

-Amy

Deep struggles on Sunday.

 

-Gayle Oshrin

Several months ago, I wrote about Sundays. People describe Sunday as Sunday FUN-day. For me, it isn't quite that. At all. It is not a great day for me typically. That sounds negative and I don't mean for it to sound that way. I am just being honest and open about the struggles that plague me more typically on Sundays than on other days. It is an end. It is a day I feel the anticipatory anxiety of what is to come. I feel restless and less grounded. I am not comfortable and I don't feel settled. I feel behind. I feel a sense of loss more on Sunday than on any other day. As the day wears on, I become more and more quiet, withdrawn. Simply put, it is not a fun day for me. Or probably for those around me!

When I was growing up, Sunday dinner was always a highlight. When we would visit family in New Jersey (a frequent occasion) we would often stay for Sunday dinner at my grandparents' house. Looking back, that was always a special night. An evening we were together as family. Sharing a meal, some laughs, with sports in the background on tv, crowded into one room piled on top of one another. It was always the same meal. Tradition and constant. I didn't appreciate that time as much as I do now, but even then I knew it was special. What I wouldn't do for just one more of those Sunday meals. 

Today I am sad. 

I am just very sad. 

This is the last Sunday with Sage home. She has spent the weekend saying goodbye to her friends. Not one to cry often, when tears form in her eyes, it crushes my heart into pieces. She has been very quietly and diligently packing for her next adventure. We leave on Thursday night for Ohio. Ohio State University is about to be changed forever. Sorry, I am still learning. The Ohio State University is about to be changed forever.  I am very excited to watch what she is able to do in this world. Oh the places she will go. She is ready to soar and spread her strong wings.

While this is just the beginning for her, it is an end for me. I know, I know. It is a beginning for me too. But, is it? So much of my life has been lived. Lived well. Lived beautifully. In the complex and messy way that life is meant to be. But nevertheless, lived. So, my baby leaving the nest is a loss. A loss of youth. A loss of identity. A loss of knowing. A loss of being. A loss of what was to be. A loss of what never was. A loss of what was, too. 

I seek connection. I always have. I have done many things in the name of connection, with the knowledge that I will at times be rejected. That is difficult to admit, especially publicly. Out loud. With this part of my life ending for now, my life becomes less tethered, less connected. 

So what do I do with all of this?  

I let myself feel these things. I do not push them away. I acknowledge that by allowing myself these emotions, it adds to my healing. It adds to my strength. It adds to my life experience. The key I think is to recognize them for what they are. Emotions. Feelings. They are but a part of me, not the whole me. At my spine, my backbone, is me. Finding space, finding room. When the absence grows and the emptiness begins to creep in, I seek space. I seek a new understanding. I seek new possibilities. I seek a deeper meaning. A deeper connection within. And I smile. I laugh. 

I remember that this life is a gift. It is fleeting and can change in a single moment. I need to appreciate the here, the now, the moment, the present. I push away the self-loathing that sometimes finds me and I look at the beauty in the world. Celebrate the differences and appreciate the similarities we all share. 

I stay open. I wear my heart on my sleeve so that no one ever feels alone. So that people know it is okay to be vulnerable and strong at the same time. To know that we are all human, we all feel, and we are all in this together even if our individual journeys take us down different paths. And, we never stop growing. Even at the end, there is always a new beginning. Always.

Time to put on Clarity by Vance Joy and let's keep living!

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always. 

The art of racing in the rain

 

This is the face that stared at me all morning. 

Literally, all morning. 

I would feel this presence. The warmth of something looking at me. I'd turn my head in his direction and Chappy would be staring. Just staring. I finally had to move a chair over to the island so he could sit next to me while I worked. He even made a guest appearance on a Teams call. 

I was confused. 

Why was Chappy being so needy? What was going on with him? I was working. I was going about my day, but he kept pawing me. Kept staring. 

So, I thought about it and then finally put aside the slight annoyance of it all. I started to appreciate it. Chappy needed connection. He needed eye contact. He needed touch, to feel close. 

Chappy is very good at reminding me to live in the moment. He doesn't care about obligations, the phone or social media. All he wants is love. All he wants is kindness. All he wants is connection. All he wants is a simple moment. 

A simple moment. 

I started this blog originally as a vehicle to share recipes that I had been making but it felt odd just writing a recipe down. I felt like I needed to share a little bit of perspective as well. You see, I strive to have at least one moment every day where I am fully present. Fully in the moment. It can last 5 seconds or 5 minutes. Hence the title of my blog. Simple Moments Each Day. 

I will be brutally honest. Experiencing a simple moment is very hard for me to accomplish most days. I find that my mind races and it is difficult to settle myself enough to fully recognize or appreciate that simple moment when it occurs. To experience a connection with myself and also a real connection with those around me. To feel really safe and close to someone and to myself. To feel grounded. To feel my mind empty when I look at someone deep in their eyes or at myself in the mirror. To fully be in that moment. To really appreciate that singular moment. To just be. 

Chappy reminded today that it is okay to have that moment. He stared at me until I paused. So that I would take that moment. To just be. To be, well, to be me. 

Time to put on Underwater by Rufus Du Sol and let's get cooking. Let's do something a little different this time. Make a favorite recipe. One that is beautiful and filled with lots of colors. One that inspires you to create. One that reminds you that food is art. Light the candle. Fill the wine glass. Listen to your favorite songs. Take a moment to appreciate the blank palette, your work space. And then take your time. Enjoy the moment to cook. Your favorite recipe. For yourself. 

Remember that we are all growing. Always. It may not always be fun or comfortable but it is always good. Always.

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always.

Wdym words aren't just words?

 

Looking out my window. Seeing the distance. Finding the light beyond the hard surface of the wing amongst the darkness. Focusing on hope.

My friend and I have been having a meaningful conversation in writing (we live continents apart) about language. Words that capture the essence of something. There is no word for it specifically in the English language but it exists in other languages. I love this concept. A word that describes an essence, a feeling. For me it is a reminder that English is just one language of so many and it inspires me. It signifies hope. The world is vast and the universe beyond even more so. There is so much to learn from our surroundings and each other. Often it is important to look beyond yourself and your own world to understand life, context, and perspective itself.  It also  is important  to remember that while life comes at you or you react to your life, you also project life. You are active in your life. I forget this sometimes especially when I get so caught up in the routine of thought and being. The necessary pause, breath, space to understand the moment. 

Komorebi is the image of sunlight streaming through the branches of trees. Now that you have seen this you might recognize it more often like I have now that I know this word. Of course it is the easiest to capture in a photograph. 

When I look at photographs, see a piece of art, watch a film or encounter something on a walk, it can instill an emotion.  I love that in other languages there may be an actual word for what I may be feeling. Take a look at some other words that have resonated with me.  I saw these recently in a book that same beautiful friend recommended to me. 

So sometimes there isn't a word for how I may be feeling in life, but sometimes there is. I just have to look beyond myself to find it. 

Time to put on Dark Red by Steve Lacy and let's get cooking. 

I have been missing Martha's Vineyard something fierce lately. It is a special place for me and each time I go, I find out a little bit more about myself. Maybe I am missing the search. Maybe I am missing a moment in time. 

In honor of the Vineyard, I am making Beach Salad. I had it for lunch today and I include a link here for you. Enjoy!

Please click here for Beach Salad.

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always. 

Grounded

 

Summer. Summer flies by. Lightening fast. In an instant, days pass by, then weeks. Months too. 

For me, it flies so quickly it is hard to hold on. To stay present. In the moment. Sometimes I don't even recognize the simple moment when it is in front of me. And sometimes I do and when that happens, it becomes a gift that stays with me. 

I don't want to go along for the ride. I want to stop and appreciate the journey. 

I remember taking Sosie for a walk when she was 2 and I was so focused on getting to the playground so she could play. I planned out how long it would take to get there, how long we could spend there to play and then the walk home. The walk was the means to the end. 

Within a block, I realized something. Sosie wasn't thinking about the end. She was enjoying the walk there. Observing everything around her. The leaves, the stones, the sky, the birds, the chipmunks, the thoughts that popped in her mind, hand in hand. That was just as much of an adventure as the playground. I remember adjusting in my mind and actively slowing down. Grounding. 

Lately, I have had a word in my mind. It has been coming into focus, off and on, during odd times. Intention. Intention. Instead of flying, I am striving to move and live with intention. To ground myself in a way that forces me to be in the moment. Breathe.

For me, it is getting back to basics. Going to a farm to pick flowers. Going to a farmer's market and buying locally grown, in season fruits and vegetables. This is the season when you can taste a difference between a cucumber bought from a farm and one bought at the grocery store. The difference between a freshly picked tomato off the vine and sweet corn on the cob, just cooked enough. The smell of herbs that you cut that only enhance the flavors of the food picked from the earth. Find that market. Find the space. Find the beauty around you. In that moment. Grounding. Intentional. 

Book to Read: Lessons in Chemistry, Bonnie Garmus

Song to Listen to: Next to Me, Rufus du Sol

LET'S COOK!!!  There is a website and Instagram page called, Cook the Vineyard, which is a section in the Martha's Vineyard Magazine. I saw their post and it inspired me to write. I can't wait to make this recipe. 

Cook the Vineyard

Summer in a bowl. Click here for the recipe. 

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always. 

I'm so tired.

 

I am tired.

I am really tired.

I am having a difficult time getting myself out of this deep feeling of hopelessness and dread about the way we are treating each other in this world. I am having a difficult time moving towards solutions. Towards resources. Towards fighting back. 

Politics over humanity. 

Toxicity over authenticity. 

Negativity over positivity. 

Transactional interactions over kindness.

I am tired. 

I am sure you are all tired of my voice, my posts, of me, too. I am sure I should just shut up, not share me, not share my thoughts, my feelings, my soul. Who listens anyway? Some don't understand why I do this and most don't read, but it is me. I am me. 

I wish that we lived in a country, a world, that treated everyone equally, fairly, with love, with respect, as friends, without constant judgment. I am so sad when people feel "less than". We all have felt this way. It is a shitty feeling. It is a huge burden to carry. It is time to lift the burden off each other. It is time for change. 

I wish we lived in a country that acknowledges, celebrates and respects differences. I wish we lived in a country where an open mind is the norm instead of the exception. 

I wish we lived in a country where it would be harder for someone to purchase an automatic weapon than for a woman to end a pregnancy safely in any state. It is time for change. 

I wish we lived in a country where two of the nine Justices on our Supreme Court were not accused of sexual misconduct and yet are in the position to make life-altering decisions for women.

I wish that the system built for heterosexual white men would grow and change as the world has grown and changed. We, as individuals, grow. With time. All of our lives. We carry. Shouldn't the system change too? Life is hard. For every single one of us. 

By stating this, I am not saying that heterosexual white men don't matter. I am not saying that life isn't hard for them. Life is hard for everyone.  I am simply saying that if you put everyone at the back of the room in a line and a dollar bill at the front of the room, the heterosexual white man will get that dollar bill first. Every. Single. Time. Isn't it our responsibility as people of the world to do what we can to make it a better country for everyone? The world is complex and we are all figuring it out as we go but don't we want to learn lessons from the past? 

We all matter. We all matter. We all matter. 

Every day I pass a homeless woman who lives in a bus stop near my house. I think about her every single day. I have brought her flowers. I make sure she has water. She is human. She has feelings. She never leaves that spot. She matters. 

It is time.

It is time for change. 

Song to Play: 99 Red Balloons, version by Goldfinger

Recipe to Cook: Lemon Linguine. One of my very favorite summer recipes. 

Film to Watch: Who We Are: A Chronicle of Racism in America, Netflix

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always. 

Being brutally honest and scared out of my mind to do so

 

I am going through a bit of an identity crisis.

Who am I? 

Here I am, middle of my life and I am about to have an empty nest. For as long as I can remember I have been on a trajectory. Go to high school, get into college, get a job, get married, have kids, raise kids, get kids into college. I am a mom. They are my everything. And it is time. Time for them to begin their own lives. Be on their own. Home will always be here but it is different. The focus is different. It has to be different. For all of us. 

What does that mean?

It means everything.

And it scares the shit out of me. 

So I am going to pause. 

I am going to recognize how I am feeling. I am not going to feel badly for feeling this way. I am going to acknowledge it and I am going to allow myself to feel all of the emotions that go along with it. I am going to do my best not to let fear define me. I am going to try to let myself define me. 

So, while I may feel a little lost and while I am experiencing some growing pains, at my core, I am still me. At my spine, I am still me. At my heart, I am still me. I am just trying to peel back some layers to discover exactly who that is. And then, when I find even a piece of who that is, I am going to strive to find deep love and compassion for that soul. 

Song to Listen to: 

Lovin' Me by Kid Cudi (feat. Phoebe Bridgers)

Yo-ohh-ohh

Yo-ohh-ohh

Mmm

Ohh

Please, Lord, hear me now, hope you're listening
It's been centuries, least what it seems to me
I've been on this road, my eyes glistenin'
As I stare at Scott, I know he's all I got
Our past don't matter, babe, I'm much stronger
And fly much farther, soar overseas
Finally see, I'll keep on climbing
Ridin' the lightning and I am sure

At times I really didn't show
What was wrong with me, wrong with me
I told myself I cannot grow
Without lovin' me, lovin' me
But this is just the hell that lives inside, hmm
Tell me now, where to? Please be my guide

I've been goin', goin' in circles
Reoccurring dreams, talkin' in my sleep
Then I'm floatin' up to the surface
I can finally breathe, I could do anything
And I don't know why it's alright
And it's not at the same time
Then I look up at a blue sky
And I know

At times I really didn't show
What was wrong with me, wrong with me
I tell myself I cannot grow
Without lovin' me, lovin' me
This is just the hell that lives inside, hmm
Tell me now, where to? Please be my guide

Yo-ohh (ah-ah)
Yo-ohh (la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, hmm)
Yo-ohh (ah, ah, ah-ah)
Mmm (mmm)

Meal to Cook: 

Poolside Sesame Slaw, Smitten Kitchen (Click here for link)

This was a perfect meal. Perfect for a nice summer day. 

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always.