The best (and not the best) kind of spontaneity. Merry Covid Christmas!

 

The best kind of spontaneity. 

It is 3 p.m. on a winter Friday in Washington, D.C. I call my boyfriend, Kelley, from work where I am an Assistant Account Executive at a small PR firm. My first job adulting after graduating from college. I am on my own, on a very limited budget (example: I eat a turkey sandwich every single day for lunch for one year), but honestly I am living my happiest life as a new college graduate. I definitely am the person who hit their stride AFTER my formal education ended. Anyway, back to dialing Kelley up at his think tank job on the office phone. 

I am bouncing around animatedly in my chair slightly (maybe not so slightly). I excitedly ask Kelley if he wants to drive as far south as we can in one night. I am smiling and thinking this is just the best idea in the entire world. I explain that all I want to see is a sunrise and a palm tree.

He says of course we can.....YEAH! He says let's find a weekend in a couple of months to plan it out and go..........Now I am really enthusiastic because he doesn't understand what I am asking him. I explain that we wouldn't go in a couple of months - we would go....that night! Perfect, right? 

So, I ask again - how would you like to drive as far south as we can in one night, tonight? His answer? A very lukewarm......maybe? He replies that we should "think" about it and "see" how things progress over the next couple of hours at work for the both of us. I hang up the phone, a little less enthusiastic, with reality settling in a bit. 

I continue my work day. 

Less than an hour later, my phone rings. 

At 7:30 p.m., we pack our small bags, some cassette tapes, a camera, a few snacks and hit the road in my white 1987 Plymouth Colt hatchback. A car I would own until I donate it to the Salvation Army in 2001. At 3 a.m. we realize that my car needs 3 quarts of oil. That's right....3 quarts. At 5 a.m. I cross one goal off the list - I see my palm tree. You see the palm tree is THE symbol of vacation, of relaxation, of seizing the day! It was THE POINT (well one of two) of this outing.  At 7 a.m. I realize that it is cloudy, a bit rainy and alas, there is not a sunrise to be had. I have done the majority of the driving but Kelley has taken a 2-3 hour shift in the dead of night to allow me some rest. At 7:30 a.m. we cross the border into Florida. 7:30 (am or pm) seems to be the time of the trip. 

Now what? We have driven 12 hours and it is Saturday morning, cloudy and misting. Do we turn around and drive home? That doesn't seem right. We start thinking and we start seeing more and more signs. Disney World is ONLY 4 more hours - let's go there!!! But first, let's call some friends and family from the pay phone to alert them where we are. Once that is done, we formulate a plan. We get a cheap hotel, take the shuttle to Disney and spend the day on the rides. It is not crowded due to the time of year and the weather so we enjoy the day. We have officially been awake for over 26 hours and we finally crash. 

The next morning is a beautiful day and we are ready for the trek home. We stop in Savannah, Georgia for an amazing crepe lunch outside in a beautiful square. We arrive home to D.C. around 7:30 p.m. and go to work normally on Monday. A fantastic weekend! 

Not the best kind of spontaneity.

Kelley, my two daughters and I travel to Boston for our planned Christmas holiday this year. In the new world in which we live, we take our Covid tests the night prior to our departure - all negative - and we are on our way. Our first flight is canceled so we are arriving a bit later than anticipated on Christmas Eve. We feel the crisp air as we depart Logan. We easily find Papa waiting for us and excitedly see a dusting of snow upon leaving the city. We run into my brother and sister in law's house with open arms. Hugs abound, a few emotional moments of reunion, laughter ensues, crack artichoke dip, wine and a phenomenal dinner around a beautiful table. Family at its finest. 

Christmas morning, 6:30 a.m. Sage comes into our room and explains she has just gotten sick, has a sore throat and is feeling miserable. She is definitely warm to the touch. She climbs into bed. Kelley and I look at each other and say - well she tested negative and this is what typically occurs for Sagey. She runs herself down, gets a sore throat and a very short-lived fever. The sore throat turns into a cold and no one in the rest of the family gets sick. BUT.......new times, new protocols. We test her once. Positive. We test her again. Positive. Whoa - OK. Time for Plan B. 

Rent a car, Papa and Kel go pick up said car and throw everything back in our bags as quickly as we possibly can. Jojo quickly assembles turkey gobbler sandwiches for the road. 

We depart around 3-3:15 p.m. I take first shift with much needed caffeine. The shift lasts 10 hours. Of course we begin in Massachusetts. Connecticut-check, Stop at gas station for obligatory junk food-check. New York-check. We go over the George Washington Bridge and a quick glimpse into the City which is always a highlight for me - a happy place for me. New Jersey-check. Delaware-check. Maryland-check. Skirt around D.C.-check. Virginia-check. A quick 2 hour break for me and back in the driver seat for North and South Carolina, and finally Georgia. We are timely in giving Sage medicine to treat symptoms and to make her a bit more comfortable. She is feeling miserable. 

We begin to see palm trees in South Carolina. This time though the sky is clear and we see the sunrise just beginning to hit the sky. Pinks, purples, oranges. Beautiful. Once again, at 7:30 a.m. we arrive home. 17 hours. Close to 1000 miles. Home. 

Two different trips. Two forms of spontaneity. Two reasons for the spontaneity. Still, spontaneity. 

Music to put on: South London Forever by Florence + the Machine

Book to read: The People We Keep by Allison Larkin

Recipe to cook: Artichoke Dip aka CRACK

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love. 

Magic in the nuances.

 

“I'm not telling you to make the world better, because I don't think that progress is necessarily part of the package. I'm just telling you to live in it. Not just to endure it, not just to suffer it, not just to pass through it, but to live in it. To look at it. To try to get the picture. To live recklessly. To take chances. To make your own work and take pride in it. To seize the moment. And if you ask me why you should bother to do that, I could tell you that the grave's a fine and private place, but none I think do there embrace. Nor do they sing there, or write, or argue, or see the tidal bore on the Amazon, or touch their children. And that's what there is to do and get it while you can and good luck at it.”

― Joan Didion

This is a quote worth reading again. 

“I'm not telling you to make the world better, because I don't think that progress is necessarily part of the package. I'm just telling you to live in it. Not just to endure it, not just to suffer it, not just to pass through it, but to live in it. To look at it. To try to get the picture. To live recklessly. To take chances. To make your own work and take pride in it. To seize the moment. And if you ask me why you should bother to do that, I could tell you that the grave's a fine and private place, but none I think do there embrace. Nor do they sing there, or write, or argue, or see the tidal bore on the Amazon, or touch their children. And that's what there is to do and get it while you can and good luck at it.”
― Joan Didion

The world is changing. Yes, the world is always changing, but there is a new awareness. Not just an awareness but there is action as well. Sometimes the action is quiet and sometimes the action is loud. The world needs action. From us. For us. I am feeling hopeful that the world is realizing that kindness, understanding, and movement towards action, is a cure for so much that ails us on this earth and within. Small action, grand action. Just action. Understanding our own racial, religious, gender, etc. biases. Understanding that the system is and has been inherently flawed and accepting that. Realizing those truths don't make us weak but strong. Realizing those truths doesn't make us divided but connected. Realizing that meeting these truths does not include being defensive but rather includes an open mind.  Understanding that we can actively appreciate, be inherently different in our experiences, our roles are gray and not defined by gender or race, and yet still be one world.  Magic can be found in the nuances.

I recently saw Don't Look Up in the theatre. I have been watching a lot of movies lately. It has truly been an escape for me that I have appreciated in a time when I am ebbing and flowing with thought. I am in the dark theatre, getting lost in a story and characters, the soundtrack, the moment. 

Don't Look Up is a satire about being so distracted and so disengaged with the world that its citizens won't even look up to see impending doom. Don't Look Up is about looking for individual gain instead of working together or caring about the end of the planet. Don't Look Up is about cherishing each moment and living actively in the world.  Don't Look Up is about not looking how we as individual citizens fit into the greater world and society. To go back to a previous post, be a friend to the whole human race. 

Music has always been an outlet for me. Even more so, it has become a form of therapy. When I was working (still feels so strange and sad to say that), I would take a 30 minute lunch and I would walk. I would walk downtown in Augusta. I would bring my air pods and I would truly escape into the music. I would play the same songs on repeat - I even have a playlist named repeat! - and I would just walk. I wasn't walking for exercise though it was. I wasn't walking for stress relief, though it was. I wasn't walking to get somewhere, though I did. I wanted to create foot traffic in our downtown, even if I was fairly alone in that foot traffic. I wanted to experience the potential of the city and I wanted to find the diamonds that are there waiting to be found. I wanted space and I found it, in the music and the pace. Music makes me feel, which makes me alive.

Is it a contradiction to discuss the necessity of finding space within (through breathing, music, watching a film) while also needing to be present in the moment and an active part of the world in which we live?  I find comfort in the paradox. One leads to the other perhaps and once we become more engaged, we begin taking action and finally, all are able to look up at the same sky, with similar goals. 

Music to put on: Run (Taylor's version) by Taylor Swift

Book to read: Find me by Andre Aciman

Dish to Cook: Fresh Spaghetti with Tomato Sauce and Burrata 

Love and peace. 

End of an era - Gunner soccer!

Gunners on 3, 1-2-3 GUNNERS!

It is 47 degrees and the lights are on in the stadium. 

The team parents who have spent years and years together are huddled on the cold bleachers, sitting closer than at any other game. Maybe because of the cold. Maybe because it is the last game. We are ready to cheer on our girls together, highlighting the positive plays that we see on the field. It is the State Championship final game and our team of 12 (one sub) seniors are playing for the win. The opposing team is in a higher league but that has not stopped this gunner team before. The other team has two players up top that really stand out. They score one and we respond quickly. They score another and we respond yet again. This is how the season has unfolded. Not only is it 2003 Gold's last game as players on a team but our incredibly talented coach is experiencing his last game at the soccer club before he moves out of state this summer. 

Gunners on 3, 1-2-3 GUNNERS! 

I have heard this chant before every game and after each halftime for 8 years. Sage and one other teammate have been together all 8 years but it feels like this team has literally grown up together. They are united and respectful of each other. Twelve distinct personalities, and each person brings a different skillset to the field. They support each other and make each other better players. 

We moved here when Sage was in 4th grade. She had already been playing soccer since she was 2 years old. When we moved to Georgia, Sage gave up her "A" travel team spot in Needham. We researched the two soccer club in Augusta prior to our move and within 2 days of moving here, Sage tried out for the Augusta Arsenal Soccer Club. The season had already begun and she did not know one soul on the team, much less anyone in the town of Augusta. 

Eight years later, the challenge, the community, the structure, the skills, the unsurpassed coaching, the support, the consistency, yes-the grit, that this sport and this club provided to my daughter are invaluable. As a mother, I can't even put into words what this has meant to me. 

Gunners on 3, 1-2-3 GUNNERS!

2-2, and the other team scores. But the gunners keep fighting. They don't stop. They keep working together, stringing passes and doing whatever they can to tie the game. The parents are cheering with a bit more emotion as they realize time is running low. Anticipation that another one of the "lasts" of the year with these seniors is approaching. The girls are scrappy but they are skilled. They are talking on the field. They are a team. Momentum builds and it feels like just a matter of time before they will score. 

You see, the years of learning the fundamentals and later the strategy have filled this team for this moment. As their final season progressed, they kept improving. This team grew together and morphed into one that I have never witnessed before (though came very close with the Dream Team all those years ago). This game was literally at the height of their ability. Did they win every game? No. Did they always have the perfect game? No. Did they ever have the perfect game? No. Were they at the top of their league? No. Did they beat the number 1, undefeated team? Yes. Were they the underdog in a smaller ball club that proved time and time again their strength? Yes. Were they coached in a quiet but powerful way? Yes. Were egos left on the sidelines. Yes. Was drama basically non-existent? Yes. They had one goal and they were one team. 

Would it have been amazing to end the season with a win? Yes. Was it necessary? No. 

They lost 3-2. 

Many tears ensued. Watching this strong group of young women sitting on the field listening to their coach talk to them one last time was heartbreaking, but oddly it filled me up too. They were in the moment and probably more together than they ever were before. That moment - just the team and their coach - was all theirs. 

The lessons they will take. The friendships that will last. The memories that will stay with them. The team they became. This is fact. Win or lose. These things will always be true and as a parent, I will forever be grateful.  

Gunners on 3, 1-2-3 GUNNERS!

Time to put on Run by OneRepublic and let's get cooking. 

I love chili, especially during the fall and winter. In particular, I love Clyde's Chili. We make this routinely and it is delicious each time. Click here to make Clyde's Chili

The lessons I bring with me to face what is happening today in this moment.

 

Grit. Sage is in 3rd grade. We live in Massachusetts. She goes to a soccer try out for the travel team. There are 60 third grade girls there for the same reason. Parents are not allowed within the vicinity. The girls are competing for one team of 10 or 11 girls (playing 8v8). She walks onto the field with confidence and a smile, even if nerves are hovering inside. Sage makes the team and Coach Michelle is in charge of these little bucks. The biggest lesson that she teaches them that season about grit stays with Sage to this day and frankly still stays with me. More than any soccer drill, she taught them the life lesson of grit. When you are challenged sometimes it is pure grit that gets you through. Pure grit. 

Introspection.  I am a senior in high school and 17 years old. I am applying to colleges. I was deferred from my early decision, first choice, dream school. Then waitlisted, then denied. My cousin died by suicide (see comment at bottom) at the end of September and I received this news after I had scored two goals in a field hockey game and was feeling amazing. Three weeks later my grandfather died. A couple of months after that the school guidance counselor asked me to befriend a student she feared was thinking of harming herself. The sad fact was that we were already friends and I cared about her, as I did all of my friends, but that extra pressure, especially after what I had just gone through inspired a lot of deep thought. My senior spring there was a serious fire at my school, the school that I had been at for 14 years. The school where my father held a leadership role and a place that was integral to my world. My base, my structure had shifted. I needed to look inward at what really mattered in this world. 

Inner strength. I am in college. I am 20 years old and feeling a bit untethered in the age of self-discovery and growth. Going through serious angst with my best friend and also with a boy that created great confusion, guilt and deep emotion for the first time. I am in a play and it is three weeks before Thanksgiving break. I call my mom crying and explain that I want to drop out of college. Mom says in a very strong but compassionate manner to dig deep and get through these last few weeks before break. Her sage words were that we would talk about all of the options when I got home, and that we would figure it out. Together. There was no anger or judgement from her.  She listened. She was compassionate and her instruction was simply for me to find the inner strength that I didn't necessarily realize was there to move forward. It was within me. I just needed to tap into it. 

Flexibility and Patience. I am pregnant. I am 30 years old. We have just bought our first home. Kelley has just been laid off of work. I give birth 4.5 weeks early. I struggle with postpartum anxiety, a misunderstood condition that is not discussed publicly in 2001 yet. There is this little beautiful being that is changing by the hour and I have absolutely no idea what I am doing when caring for this peanut. Two words come to my mind - flexibility and patience. An image of Sosie balling her eyes out. Kelley or I are holding her as we walk up and down the 2 flights of stairs in our tiny house so that she can be elevated, constantly moving and comfortable. When that doesn't work, we try something else. We are going to do whatever it takes to figure out how to make her feel better, no matter how long it takes. 

Adaptability. I am 43 years old. Kelley has just competed in the Ironman at Lake Placid. On the Tuesday after the Ironman, Kelley is offered the job opportunity to move to Augusta, GA for 2-3 years. Massachusetts to Georgia. 900 miles. We need to visit, decide, rent our MA home, buy our GA home, choose a school for the kids and move within 2 months. Effectively, we are all starting over. Starting all over. We left family, friends who were like family, our 98 year old dream house that we had spent 2 years renovating, my career and job security, schools, comfort and safety to move to a very different environment and culture. The challenge was also the attraction. Adaptability. 

Resilience. Today. I am 51 years old. Augusta, GA. There is yet another version of the Covid world. There is a sense of mortality and a changing of roles with my parents. There is a shift in my own growth and being as well as physical changes that stirs many emotions. There is a changing family dynamic with children finding adulthood and learning to spread their wings. I am struggling to find the strength to allow these independent souls to take flight. I find my way back to my career and working on an amazing team finally after some faltering along the way. Then, then, then, the week before Christmas, when I am ready for my first real vacation since starting my new role, I find myself shocked and saddened that I am now back on shaky ground. There are tears and there is insecurity and low self-esteem, yet. Yet. I do not have the opportunity to fix what was apparently broken and in a situation I have never once been in my career. I am a fixer but I am unable to fix this one. Yet. Kelley says to take the lessons you can from this and move forward. It isn't the challenge, it is how you handle the challenge. The resilience. I got this. I got this. I got this. 

“There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time.”– Malcolm X

“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.”– Bernice Johnson Reagon

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”– Haruki Murakami

These are only a few times in my life where I have learned key character traits during periods of challenge. Sometimes all that is needed is to review these lessons from the past to help you face the present, to be in the present. Finding strength in the vulnerabilities. Finding strength in the struggles. Finding strength to move forward, step by step. Bird by bird. So that I am stronger than before. 

Time to put on Man on the Moon by Kid Cudi and let's cook. 

I have been working my way through Ellie Krieger, Whole in One. Every single recipe has been amazing. This recipe is no exception. Click here for Roasted Vegetable Bowl with White Beans and Roasted Garlic Balsamic Dressing

The opposite of love is fear; the opposite of fear is love

 

What connects us as humans? 

Some suggest that suffering is what connects us. Other suggest that love is the answer. Still others say compassion. What do you think? 

I tend to think that it is all of the above and more. There is a depth to our consciousness and subconsciousness and while we don't tend to show each other all of our layers, it is within the nooks and crannies that the good stuff is hidden. There are so many beautiful, unique differences between all of us - cultures, backgrounds, experiences, personalities, appearances, beliefs. Those differences are what make the world truly beautiful. The layers tend to get missed by social media. Social media shows only one lens and there are so many more layers to each person, so many parts, so many emotions.

What would you say is the opposite of love? Many people have said hate, indifference or fear. Let's focus on fear for a moment. 

Fear sometimes overshadows the opportunities for growth and understanding. Fear of having the difficult conversations. Fear of accepting that we all have biases and the key is understanding them so that they don't affect how we treat others. Fear of allowing ourselves to get close or be vulnerable because we might get hurt. Fear of stepping outside of our comfort zone and limiting our ability to experience. 

Stephen Pressfield says that hate is not the opposite of love but in fact "the opposite of fear is love". 

Bishop Robert O'Neill says, "For fear is the breeding ground - the simmering cauldron so to speak - of all the resentments, bitterness, anger, and destructive behaviors that constitute and give rise to hate. It doesn't matter whether our hatred targets others or is turned inward in a form of self-loathing. The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is fear." 

Paulo Reglus Neves Freire says, "The opposite of love is not, as we many times or almost always think, hatred but the fear to love, and fear to love is the fear of being free. Love softens you, fear hardens you. Love opens the universe, fear isolates you in yourself".

There is such a close relationship between love and fear, they can become each other and intertwine so easily. Srinivasan Pillay says, "we don't have to 'seek out' a spirituality of being human. It is already there-suffocating and begging beneath our fears to be released to ourselves. A connection to our dreamy, timeless selves, biologically, also connects us to the most intuitive parts of our brains." It is not a surprise then that oxytocin is the hormone linked to both fear and love. 

At the University of Minnesota it was written, " Fear can interrupt processes in our brains that allow us to regulate emotions, read non-verbal cues and other information presented to us, reflect before acting, and act ethically. This impacts our thinking and decision-making n negative ways, leaving us susceptible to intense emotions and impulsive reactions."

Matthew McConaughey writes in Greenlights, "The mandorla. The paradox instead of the contradiction. The union instead of the friction. The place where all the colors live. The white light". Finding the space to lean into love, really lean into love. Love for everyone in this world and for those closest to me. To recognize fear, face fear by allowing it to flow through you, observing it. In researching on the internet, I read about five steps that transform fear into love - Start your day with love, Listen with love, Be vulnerable, Practice radical surrender and acceptance and finally Develop your powers of empathy.

Finally, Maya Angelou wrote in "Touched by an Angel":

We, unaccustomed to courage

exiles from delight

live coiled in shells of loneliness

until love leaves its high holy temple

and comes into our sight

to liberate us into life.

Love arrives

and in its train come ecstasies

old memories of pleasure

ancient histories of pain.

Yet if we are bold,

love strikes away the chains of fear

from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity

In the flush of love's light

we dare to be brave

And suddenly we see

that love casts all we are

and will ever be.

Yet it is only love

which sets us free.

Now put on Video Game by Sufjan Stevens and let's get cooking. In keeping with my fall tradition of soup, Ellie Krieger has a fantastic Beef, Barley and Many Vegetable Soup. 

Click here for the recipe

\

Peace. 

Deep sorrow

 

Several years ago there was a suicide at my daughters' school. It was a very difficult time for our small community. In the world, most have been touched by anxiety and depression and many of us have experienced anxiety and depression first-hand. I have. 

I am grateful that there is more discussion and openness about mental health. We have a long way to go, but it is a start. 

Sage and I were driving somewhere recently and she put on a song. I love listening to my kid's music. I learn so much about them by the songs that speak to them. Music is integral to my life and I can listen to songs on repeat. Music is an escape and it is my way to dream, imagine, find space. It is my path to seeking, searching, learning. It can make me laugh, shout, dance or cry. It sparks memories and emotions that are on the surface or buried deep inside. 

I am not sure my kids understand that the way they feel about music can also feel the same to me. I wish they did. I look forward to the time when they really look at me and see the depth that is there, waiting to be shared with them. 

Anyway, Sage put on "play this when I'm gone" by Machine Gun Kelly and explained that this was a suicide note he had written for his daughter. It is strikingly beautiful and haunting and it just filled me with emotion. It reminded me of what I had written all of those years ago in my blog post. 

______________________

For me, I think of the complete desperation one must feel.

For me, I send my deepest compassion to all of the families who deal with depression and anxiety in their kids every day, and especially to those whose children take their own lives.

For me, I send love and deep strength to all of the kids who feel so alone.

For me, I think of my peer in my high school who took her life and the deep effects it had on our own small community.

For me, I think of my cousin, Edward.

For me, I think of my kids and how they will handle this tragic news.

For me, I want kids to be kids for as long as humanly possible.

For me, I think of the increasing pressure kids feel every day. The weight you have on your shoulders to do more, be more, be the best in sports, be the prettiest or most handsome, get the best grades, do as many activities as you possibly can. Then, completely differentiate yourself from your peers so that you can get into a good college, then grad school. That way you can get a great job that pays a lot of money and then you will be happy. It is exhausting just thinking about it.

For me, all I want to do is give my girls a hug. Let them know I love them, and am always here for them, unconditionally, and am so proud they are my daughters. I am grateful I get to be their mom. If they need to talk to someone and it can't be me, that is totally fine! As long as they talk. As long as it is someone they can trust.

For me, I want mental health to become a priority in this country. Let therapy become a normal thing instead of having a stigma attached to it. Instead of being something not discussed, bring it into the open. It is hard growing up. It is hard for parents to parent! Parents have never been parents until they are in fact, parents! I am not going to do everything right and they aren't going to everything right as kids. It is a growing process as families to be together, figuring it out, as we go. A little extra help along the way is a very good thing.

For me, I need to acknowledge the sadness I feel. I don't know this particular family but I still feel very sad. I send love, support, and deepest thoughts and concern to all who loved her, all who knew her, and hope that happy memories as well as compassion fill the voids left in their hearts.

For me, I want to yell from the tree tops that no one is alone. There is always help. No matter how sad you are, how alone you are, you are truly never alone. There is always someone who can help.

For me, I want all my friends and families to know that they are loved. You are special and you are never alone.

For me, I realize that in time, life moves on. It has to. The sun will set, the sun will rise. With each passing moment, I take hold. I realize that life is so fragile and so fleeting. You must grab the simple moments where you can, grab your place in time and cherish it. Hold onto it. Suck the marrow from it. Seize the day. Seize the moment.

___________________________

Then, I think about the bravery and courage that this artist had to publish this song, and the strength his daughter had to be okay with it. I hope everyone takes a listen, really listens and allows themselves to feel. We must learn from each other and we must treat every single person with love and kindness. 

Now, let's cook. Keeping with the theme of soup this week. 

Thanksgiving in Washington, D.C. did not disappoint. Family, friends, amazing food, beautiful setting made with love, and new homes mixed with the challenges and complexities of life. As I have mentioned, my sister in law is immensely talented and this is her recipe for post-Thanksgiving turkey. Enjoy!

Curried Turkey Soup

2 T olive oil
4 tsp. curry powder
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 tsp. peeled, minced fresh ginger
64 oz. fat-free, low-sodium chicken broth (divided)
2 cups chopped onion (1 large)
1 cup chopped leek
½ cup diced carrot
½ cup diced celery
½ cup diced peeled Golden Delicious apple (1/2 apple)
1 T lemon juice
12 oz. evaporated skim milk
½ cup flour
3 cups finely shredded roast turkey (or chicken – about 3 breasts)
kosher salt
freshly ground black pepper

To serve:
2 ¾ cups cooked rice
¾ cup diced peeled Golden Delicious apple (1 apple)
1/3 cup dry roasted peanuts, chopped
1/3 cup sweetened flaked coconut, toasted
1/3 cup chopped parsley

In a Dutch oven, heat oil over medium-low heat. Add the curry powder, garlic, and ginger, and sauté for 2 minutes.  Add the onion, leek, carrot, celery, and apple; sauté for 5 minutes.  Add half the chicken broth, and bring to a boil; reduce the heat and simmer for 15 minutes.

Place half the vegetable mixture in a food processor and blend til smooth.  Pour into a bowl. Repeat with the remaining half of the vegetable mixture.  (Or use an immersion blender.)  Return mixture to the pot, and add the lemon juice, evaporated milk, and half the remaining broth.  In a bowl, whisk together the remaining broth and the flour. Add to the pot and stir to combine. Add the turkey.  Bring just to a boil; reduce the heat and simmer for 10 minutes, stirring frequently, until thickened.  Season to taste with salt and pepper.

To serve, place ¼ cup rice in each bowl. Pour soup over top, then sprinkle diced apple, peanuts, coconut and parsley on top.

 Yields 11 servings.

 Adapted from Cooking Light, November 1998

Peace

Capture this moment and dance it out

It is a random Wednesday night after work. I am sitting in the kitchen at the island with a candle burning (as always), music playing (as always), iced tea by my side (as always). A glass of wine will soon replace my tea when I begin to cook dinner. Sage is home on a rare night so that she can work on college applications. She sits on the couch with her computer in front of a fire, even though it is 68 degrees outside. Kelley is in the office working. Chappy is lying in the bed that is too small for him next to me but he likes it anyway. 

I am thinking about when I cooked dinner the other night. It was not too different than tonight but no one was home except Chappy. Instead of music playing on my computer, I had it playing loudly through Sonos in the house. 

Sometimes, if I can just focus on my present surroundings it makes all or at least some of the stress of the day fall away. It provides space. When the world seems crazy and doesn't make sense, sometimes you just need to get back to basics. 

So when I start cooking, I almost always light a candle and set up my little space for cooking. It sets my mood and it relaxes me. Brings me to the present.

Fall into winter are soup seasons for me. I love soup. On Monday night I also made cheese quesadillas to go with the soup with the BEST tortillas out there. Click Here to learn more about Carmelo. I cannot say enough good things about these tortillas. We always have the avocado oil ones in the freezer because they are just THAT good. I also love supporting this small business. 

I started prepping the soup and was really enjoying the whole moment. 

Then, one of my favorite songs came on......and I took a little break......

Yep, I danced it out. 

Time to put on I Come Apart by A$AP Rocky, featuring Florence Welch and let's make a pot of soup, shall we?

You know what? This soup makes a great lunch too!!!

So this is a Barefoot Contessa recipe from her first book. Very easy and really hits the spot. 

Here is the link......Click Here for Lentil Soup

Have a great evening. Peace. 

Be a friend to the whole human race

 

One must see in every human being only that is worthy of praise. When this is done, one can be a friend to the whole human race. If, however, we look at people from the standpoint of their faults, then being a friend to them is a formidable task....Thus it is incumbent on us, when we direct our gaze toward other people, to see where they excel, not where they fail."

-Abdul-Baha

"Be a friend to the whole human race."

At work, our team has been attending a four-part series every Monday entitled Deeper than Diversity presented by Eric Dozier and Homa Tavangar from the Oneness Lab (Oneness Lab). This has been a tremendously interesting series and I am legitimately sad the last session was yesterday. There were so many moments in the training that made me pause and reflect on my own behavior and my responsibility to the world. In fact, several posts could be dedicated to the lessons learned but I will focus on one here. 

A theme presented is that humans treat each other in a very transactional way and not as friends or family. Once we start to treat people with connection, then the world becomes different. As they taught, once we focus on the Five Roots of Real Relationship - Frequency, Proximity, Imagination, Reciprocity, Knowledge, then we start viewing all humans in a more connected way. This resonates with me. It makes me think about how I approach just about everyone I come across in my life.  

“Do not be satisfied until each one with whom you are concerned is to you as a member of your family. Regard each one either as a father, or as a brother, or as a sister, or as a mother, or as a child. If you can attain to this, your difficulties will vanish, you will know what to do.”

-Abdul-Baha

Yesterday was a tough day for a multitude of reasons. I have a fair amount going on in my world at the moment - work and personal life are a bit stressful. Not unlike everyone else but I was feeling it a bit more than usual yesterday. I was looking forward to getting into my car and having an easy night at home. It is getting darker earlier and that means I am looking forward to hunkering down in the evenings, lighting a candle in the kitchen or a fire in the fireplace. In my head, the quote kept coming into my head.

"Be a friend to the whole human race." 

I walked outside at 4:30 p.m. and the sun was shining. I noticed something on my car window. Immediately I wonder if I somehow received a parking ticket. Then I notice that another car aside from an empty space also has this piece of paper on their window and it does not look like a parking ticket. It looks like a ripped piece of paper. I walk over to my car and take a look at what was left for me.

Transactional, at the very least. 

I am used to parallel parking because of many years of city living. I may not be great at a lot of things - I tend to be pretty solid at parallel parking. Was it my best parking job? No, definitely not. Was it my worst? Definitely not. Could I have taken greater care to park within both lines? Absolutely. Had I blocked in the car that I could see? No. No I did not. Could I have done things differently? Absolutely, I own my part and feel badly if this person felt in any way burdened because they were not able to leave their parking space as easily as they would like. Having said this, does this person have these printed notes in their car waiting for the moment to arise? The amount of negativity and resentment that one must harbor to print, rip, place for a fellow human to find is almost mind-boggling. The unhappiness that someone must feel to assume that I purposefully tried to make their life difficult made me stop. It takes so much more energy to live like this. Would this person have left a note for a friend or family member? I choose to live differently. 

"Be a friend to the whole human race."

Time to put on One Love by Bob Marley and let's get cooking. Actually......not tonight. Tonight you don't need to cook. Last night I went home and sat on the couch with my daughter, ate delivered pizza and watched two movies. We didn't do household chores. We didn't work on college applications. We didn't pay bills. We didn't even study all that much. We sat together with our Chappy, and we watched one Spiderman movie....and then another. We laughed and we were brought along for the ride of the films. It was an amazing night, blissful. So tonight, get take-out or delivery and focus on having a simple moment alone or with your family or friends. Take the time. It's worth it.

Peace

What moves you?

 

                                                                -AK

What emotions spark when you see a particular photograph? 

                                     -Mystery of Love, Sufjan Stevens

Are there songs that make you pause, or dream, or feel something often hidden inside your core? 

                  -Amazon

What about that feeling when you turn the very last page of a book you haven't been able to put down? 

In other words, what moves you? 

I am constantly chasing times when I am able to fully be in the moment. It is a deep breath worth of clarity. It can last 5 or 10 seconds or it can last an hour. It is the feeling when you find a bit of space, and you are subconsciously giving yourself permission to pause for this simple moment. 

I am on a plane flying to California and I put on music when it has been too long since I have listened to a song. My senses awaken and I just start writing....furiously. I am sitting in a field with my sister in law and our newborns. The sun is shining and I am feeling a sense of peace float over me because we are just there, enjoying each other and our surroundings. I am finishing a yoga practice and I sit up after shavasana and my body is fully relaxed and clear because I have breathed and worked through the clutter. I am sitting at a table surrounded by friends and we are in the midst of a real conversation and I look around at my people filled with love. I am in the kitchen making dinner and a song comes on that begs me to dance...and I dance. 

Let me be clear. I believe these times are gifts and they do not come often. In fact, I can go weeks without one because I am running. Running. Running through life. Too stimulated. Too in my head. Too distracted by my phone. Too involved with anxiety and stress. Too wound up to find the necessary space to allow myself the grace. Too concerned with the world around me and inside me to take that single deep breath. To find the good. To feel. To just be. 

Time to put on Guillotine by Jon Bellion and let's get cooking!!! Today's recipe is one that is waiting for us to make at home tonight. My sister in law makes this and when I had it for the first time it just hit the spot - perfect bites and a perfect meal to make when the air is a bit more crisp. Do NOT ask me why the only online version I can find seems to be on the Hallmark Channel website? BUT.....anyways.............

Beef Stew with Farro and Mushrooms

Enjoy this day. Peace..........................

Rethinking Sunday?

 

For many people, myself included, Sundays can be a bit of a downer. People call today Sunday Funday??  For me, not so much. It is the last day of the week. It is an end. It may be a day to rest but it is also a day I need to be productive for the busy week ahead. It is a day to say goodbye and rarely is one people greet enthusiastically. Lately, as the day wears on, I tend to be more in my head, quiet, struggling to be in the moment and seeing the promise of what is to come. My breathing is more shallow and I can feel my muscles constrict with every minute. I am anticipating the future, the problems that await, the stress that is looming over my shoulders waiting to create the weight of the week. This impenetrable restlessness I have been feeling for a month or two seems to always culminate on a Sunday. 

I need to own this. I need to recognize my feelings, be kind to myself for having them and then question....is that how I want my Sunday to go...every week? Let's try again. Let's get to basics. 

It is Sunday. Sunday, November 7, 2021. 2021. Almost 8 years since I began writing this blog. I am sitting in my kitchen at the white and gray marble island. It is a gray day but it looks like blue skies and sun are trying to burn through. Fighting. A fire burns gently in fireplace.  As I often need sound around me, my favorite playlist is on around me. In front of me and to the side is a vase of flowers from Sage's senior night that smell fresh and bright, a 3-wick candle that burns pretty constantly in my house, a silver bowl of white rocks, mini pumpkins and acorns. On my second cup of coffee, I hear the swish of the washer and the shifting in the dryer. The book I am currently reading is next to me, patiently waiting for me to open it and grace its pages. Need a visual?

Outside trees are in varying stages of fall. While we get more color towards the end of November, beginning of December, a couple of backyard trees show off a little now. Shedding the past to lay bare, providing space to those around it. 

Sosie came home for a brief visit but went back to Auburn late last night. Our house and my heart were full when the four of us ate dinner and watched football on TV last night. Simple moment. Yesterday, Sagey had two soccer games in Columbia and scored the winning goal against the number 1, undefeated team in the league. I had my covid booster shot on Friday and haven't felt 100% this weekend. This morning, Kelley took Chappy on a trail run (yes, he knows the word - run - and reacts in the cutest way when it is said) and Sage is sleeping soundly in bed. It is a typical Sunday..........

Break down this very moment - what do you hear, what do you see, what do you smell? Being comfortable in that very space is what I am seeking. It may happen for 20 seconds. It may happen for 20 minutes but seeking that and leaning into it......breathe deeply and feel your shoulders relax slightly.

I have been reading Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey. I would like to listen to it as well but being visual, I need to read it first. I watched the Kid Cudi documentary on Friday night. As I have written, I have been thinking a lot about being comfortable in vulnerability and what that means, what that looks like. I have been thinking about spending my life searching for an outlet for creativity. A way to express, to share. Time to stretch and push away the boundaries but that will take a lot of courage. Am I ready? 

Time to put on Mystery of Love by Sufjan Stevens and let's get cooking. 

"Oh, oh will wonders ever cease?

Blessed be the mystery of love"

I have blogged about this recipe before but going through my mom's cookbooks recently I found the original copy. I looked at this recipe for the first time maybe 25 years ago. 25 fucking years. This recipe has evolved quite a bit over time but then so have I and I hope that growing never ceases as hard as it can be feeling those growing pains. 

Peace and enjoy...

Opening Eyes, Feeling Restless, Taking it In...

 

I have walked by this statue so many times and have barely registered its existence, even though it is 5 minutes from my house and in a place I visit weekly. One day I was waiting for a friend outside of a restaurant and I looked at her. I registered her beauty and took her in for a minute. I found myself taking many pictures from different angles that do not do her justice. I like to think she appreciated the attention. 

Last weekend I flew to DC, a place where I lived for 6 years. Flying into National Airport is always special because you get a bird's eye view of the magic that is the landscape there. In the cab after I landed, we drove by the Lincoln Monument. Again, my eyes were opened. 

I find that I am moved to write when I travel. My senses are awakened and I am out of my normal routine. Things hit me differently. I find it is easier to be in the present when I am traveling. I take the extra moment to notice things the first time I see them. I find I appreciate the small things that I see almost more than the larger than life sights, or I enjoy the larger sights as part of a landscape, to see where it all fits. 

There is something fascinating about sitting in an airport. Observing family dynamics, people who live to work and people who work to live, celebrities trying to travel like the masses and the masses trying to travel like celebrities, people going home, people going someplace new, sadness hidden or on display and excitement from those little and big, old and young. People comfortable in their own skin and people still trying to figure themselves out. People struggling and people leaning into their struggles. Granted being in an airport does limit our view due to socioeconomic reasons but it is still an interesting lens to watch a slice of the world.

Time to listen to Up, Up and Away by Kid Cudi and let's get cooking. 

Creating beauty with food. Some people eat just to eat - get in the calories and sustain themselves. Some people eat because it is comforting - stress eating. Some people don't want to eat even though their bodies are screaming for attention. Some people truly enjoy food - the smell, beauty, atmosphere it creates and take care in its preparation. There are some people who do all of these things every week. I find I love color in my food. You can slice tomatoes and put them on a plate with mozzarella and basil. Sprinkle olive oil and balsamic vinegar and call it a day. OR - you can slice different color tomatoes, put them on a decorative dish, use different shapes of mozzarella, add blue cheese, add pesto, use a balsamic glaze, sprinkle toasted pine nuts - which plate are you more interested in eating. When I spend the extra 5 minutes, it just makes me a little bit happier. Just something to think about. 

Have an incredible day. 

Ongoing search

 

I’m sitting in an airport.  It is a small airport in the town where I grew up. It has been 30 years since I have lived here and since then I have lived in Arlington, VA, Washington, DC, Waltham and Needham, MA, Evans and Augusta, GA. 

I am a family person. I love my family and feel that the most important part of a person’s world is their family. In many ways growing up I was my most comfortable self with my family. There were many nights my cousins and brother would go out but I was just as happy playing Pictionary with my grandparents, parents and aunt/uncle. 

It is not lost on me that I currently live hours away from my extended family. It is not lost on me that I’m terrified I haven’t passed that importance or value along to my kids. It is not lost on me that I feel a huge sense of loss that my side of the family hasn’t seen each other in years and that I have missed tremendous moments in the lives of family on both sides. 

I have been doing so much thinking lately. I have most definitely been in my head. I think it’s why I started writing again. It has been my journal, albeit a public one, and I missed that outlet when I stopped. Many people may wonder why I would write in such a public way. Why put myself out there and share feelings that are supposed to be kept inside?. 

I will tell you, I feel it is a risk. I can be and have been misunderstood. People can judge or form opinions based on what they read and misinterpret what I’m about. That said, I also feel like it’s a relief and a release when I write. 

There have been times in my life where I have felt quieted. I didn’t have a voice or shouldn’t have a voice and if I did, how would I express that voice. I loved acting. I came close a couple of times of getting serious about that as an outlet. I love to cook, to create meals that are beautiful to present. I love to wear clothes that make me feel good but are beautiful pieces of art. I love to create living spaces that are warm and comfortable where people want to gather and feel safe and laugh. I have always wanted an art in my life. I’m creative without that unique talent. That has been something I have thought about so often in my life. I have always wanted to excel at something. Anything.  

I have found lately that I’m needing to get to a place of allowing myself to be free and open and vulnerable. I’m an extrovert and many people who know me will know I wear my heart on my sleeve. They might think I already am open - or too open - heck I write a blog! But still, I seek moments when I can be so vulnerable and connected to myself, where I could get almost shaky in that nakedness. Those moments are so hard to come by and they allow for complete acceptance of myself. Think about watching someone dance when they really feel the music. Think about an actor who allows complete vulnerability so that a viewer can connect to that character. Think about being so focused and zeroed in that time has simply vanished. After all of this time, I am still learning about myself. I’m still seeking.

I have been open about struggles I have had in my life. I do this thoughtfully and purposefully, knowing and experiencing the consequences, which at times have been more difficult than going through the actual struggle.  It is extremely important to me that people not feel alone.  I believe in being kind to all because you truly don’t know what they are experiencing. I also think it’s important to laugh. And laugh hard. 

So I think all of this.  And I write. To myself and to anyone who cares to read. I have boarded my plane. I’m now seated in seat 10D and my flight is about to take off.  I will put in my ear buds, play I Got You by Michael Franti (always thinking of you Allison when I listen) and think about what meal I plan to make tomorrow for my family. 

But if you need a good recipe immediately, I’ve been craving Cheddar Corn Chowder by Ina Garten.  Click here for the recipe   

Goodbye for now, Bethlehem. 

Peace and love to all  

Dance Party

This summer my brother created a playlist and it inspired me to do the same. I have a playlist that I listen to when I walk (that my daughter named Mom Music - and no, that didn't make me feel outdated and old - not at all!!). I have various playlists for yoga as well, but I was in the mood to create something. Something... Anything. So, I asked the girls and Kelley to provide some of their favorites, and I included some (ok, many) of mine. The end result was our first family playlist. I will say it took awhile to get everyone on board. One daughter wanted to include country because she knew that I didn't love it and another needed a few reminders, but the finished product is a 4 hour mix that I listen to.....often. It makes me feel close to my family and it makes me happy. It has such a huge array of genres and I actually love them all. Sometimes I listen to it in its order and sometimes I shuffle - both give a different feel, depending on my mood. 

Last night, I poured myself a glass of wine and put on the mix (ok, playlist) on Sonos and started prepping tacos for dinner. Kelley was working in the office and Sage was at soccer. Kid Cudi came on and I just started dancing. All over the kitchen. And you know what, it felt great. It was a good moment. Found some space and it was good.

My parents are moving to Washington, D.C. to live closer to family. My mom will be in an independent apartment in a retirement community and my father will be in the same facility but with additional care. Mom will be able to see him every day and she will finally live near family. A first in many, many years. In cleaning out our childhood home in Pennsylvania where my mom has lived for over 50 years, my brother came across this treasure. 

My dad would make an Armenian dish every so often. It was complex and something he really enjoyed doing. I have memories of him working away in my grandparents' kitchen and in my aunt and uncle's house doing the same, usually around Thanksgiving. The fact that he would take great care to do something so meaningful for his family and culture that he was not related to by blood, always got caught in my heart. This cookbook cover is my maternal grandfather's writing (Boboo) - directing to my dad's recipe. The writing on the recipe page is my father's and at the very bottom is a special note - 11/26/1999, the day my dad "initiated" my brother and cousins into preparing this dish. 

Time to put on Love Tonight by Shouse and dance, I mean cook! Or both.....

Recently, I made a delicious recipe from Alexandra Cooks. Veggie-Loaded Stuffed Bell Peppers. Lately, I have been eating less meat and this dish was very filling. 

Click the link for the recipe!

Enjoy!