Inner Demons

"If it isn't God's backyard, then he certainly lives nearby" - Robin Williams on Glacier National Park. Photo by Kim Hang Dessoliers. This was posted on Facebook by the U.S. Department of the Interior upon hearing of Robin William's death.

Similar posts were written by St. Jude Children's Research Hospital and other organizations. A statement from the President of the United States was given and the many, many everyday people who were in some ways affected by Robin Williams, who knew him or only his work posted on Facebook and other social media. The stories of spontaneity and helping others are all over the internet today. How he made others feel better.

I found out about his death on Facebook. People shared stories or comments and reached out in support of those fighting depression. I am reminded once again that social media is indeed a powerful tool. I also learned how beloved Robin Williams was, as a comedian, an actor and as a person.

Steve reminded me last night that Mork and Mindy was a spinoff from Happy Days, a show I loved and watched ALL the time. I also was a huge fan of Mork and Mindy, as was my whole family. I have many memories of sitting in my grandparents' house. My Pappy would sit in his chair and we would watch that show together. Pappy would laugh a most hearty, joyous, belly laugh at Mork's antics, which of course would make us all laugh all the more.

From that moment on, I loved Robin Williams. All of his films were amazing and there was depth to him that was so palpable. While he was a comic genius (damn, he was funny), I actually loved his dramatic roles best. You kind of always knew he was fighting himself and his demons and they always lended themselves pretty heartily to his roles. The brilliant talent and the craziness was one side of him, but as I learned, he was also very involved in helping others - St. Judes, the military, etc...Again, the quiet and not so quiet depth that was always present.

My childhood friend, Mona, wrote that her mother had been in the U.S. for 10 years or so and as a result of the fame of Mork and Mindy, took her daughter Mona (aged 11-12) and her son (aged 12-13) to see him at Stabler Arena (Lehigh University), thinking he would be the same as he was on TV. HA! A very different Robin Williams presented that night and boy that is a funny memory for her family. I loved that story.

His death has affected so many it seem. For me, in part because of his indeniable talent, successful career and the varying roles he chose, but also in part because of the way he died. He made everyone laugh and feel good inside, yet there was a real person underneath that we all could see. He was human.

Suicide is so hard. How incredibly desperate and terrible he must have felt to end his precious life. Life is so delicate and fleeting and to feel so lost that the alternative is better is just incredibly sad. So many of us in the world, including me, have been affected by suicide - friends, family - and it stings each and every time. For those of us who like things in black and white, suicide is very, very grey. Not a lot of answers are given most of the time. After my cousin died it took me years to accept it and move on. I hope he has found his peace. He will certainly be missed by me and by many. He was a legacy and one of a kind.

Mental illness is on the cusp of being recognized as the real issue it is in this country. With acknowledgement, real work, money and support, hopefully the alternative won't seem like the better choice for others.

So much of it is education and knowledge - like many things in life. On a much, much smaller scale, when I had both of my babies, I have mentioned that I had post-partum anxiety. I didn't like to talk too much about it at the time because no one really discussed anything more than having the baby blues. Not much was written and not much was mentioned in the media certainly. I think Brooke Shields was one of the first public pioneers actually to come out and speak about it. I remember talking to a friend about my issues and they assumed it meant I had post-partum as in I wanted to kill my children. No, post-partum anxiety is not the same as psychosis. They didn't mean any harm but that was hard to hear. I already felt such shame. Shame can be so damaging, to everyone. I am incredibly lucky that my doctor and the people she referred me to, helped me in a kind and non-judging way, and that since then as I have dealt with mild depression at times and anxiety, I still have had great resources. I can only hope that mental illness becomes more of a topic of discussion in the very near future. So many people are affected each day, not just people in the public eye.

Today I want all of my friends and family to know how much I love them and how special each and everyone one of you are to me and to everyone. You are loved. Life is so precious and I feel very grateful you are in my world.

Put on the Acoustic Live in London version of Demons by Imagine Dragons and get cooking!

My daughter, Sage, loves arugula and lemon vinaigrette. I saw this recipe in The Smitten Kitchen Cookbook and had to make it for her.

Mustard Milanese with an Arugula Fennel Salad
For the chicken
2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
table salt
freshly ground black pepper
1/2 cup all purpose flour
1 large egg white
2T smooth Dijon mustard
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 tsp dried oregano
1/2 tsp freshly grated lemon zest
1 1/2 cups coarse lightweight breadcrumbs, such as panko

Mix of vegetable and olive oil, for frying (I ended up taking out oil and using less than mentioned here. I had some popping oil in my pan)

For the salad
3T freshly squeezed lemon juice - from 1 large lemon
2T whole-seed or coarse Dijon mustard
1T smooth Dijon mustard
1/4 cup olive oil
5 oz baby arugula leaves
Small fennel bulb

On a cutting board with a very sharp knife, butterfly the chicken breasts, and slice them all the way through, so that you end up with four thin cutlets (I bought cutlets at the store and rolled them thinner). With a meat pounder (not a tenderizer), pound your cutlets out between two pieces of plastic wrap to 1/4 inch thickness. Season the chicken on both sides with salt and pepper.

Grab three big plates, and line them up on your counter. Pour the flour into the first one. In a small dish, whisk together the egg white, smooth Dijon, garlic, oregano, and lemon zest. Pour half of this mixture into the bottom of the second plate.

In the third plate, spread out the breadcrumbs.

Dredge each pieces of chicken lightly in flour, then heavily in the egg-white-mustard mixture, and generously in the breadcrumbs. Repeat with second piece of chicken, then refill the egg-white-mustard plate, and repeat with final two pieces of chicken. Arrange the breaded cutlets on a large tray, and chill them in the fridge for 1 hour, or up to 1 day (covered with plastic wrap). This helps the coating set. (I didn't do this step but highly recommend it).

Preheat your oven to 175 degrees.

Cook chicken. Pour 1/2 inch of oil - use a mixture of olive and vegetable oil, or the frying oil of your choice - in a large pan, and heat over medium-high heat. Test the heat with a flick of water - if it is hisses, you are good to go.  Cook the chicken until golden brown on both sides, about 3 to 4 minutes on the first and 2 to 3 minutes on the second.  Remove chicken from heat, and salt and pepper both sides while draining on paper towels.  Once drained, transfer the chicken to a tray to keep in the warm oven. Repeat with additional oil and remaining pieces of chicken. (As I said, I used less oil and didn't end up warming in the oven.)

Meanwhile, prepare salad. In a small bowl, whisk lemon juice and mustards together, then whisk in olive oil in a thin stream. Pour three-quarters of this into a large bowl.  Add arugula to the bowl.  Thinly shave your fennel bulb on a mandoline, or cut it as thinly as you can with a sharp knife, and add this to the arugula.

To serve. When you're ready to serve it, toss the salad.  Arrange one piece of chicken from the warm oven on a plate. Drizzle a few drops of the reserved salad dressing onto the chicken. As Deb Perelman says, "you'll thank me when you try it".  Pile the salad on top. Season with salt and pepper, and eat immediately.

Enjoy and have a happy day, everyone!!!