The things we hold onto...

The things we all hold onto affect us deeply.

From the way someone's tone sounded when they said something to you to someone cutting you off when driving. From the feeling that you aren't being appreciated at work or home to a mistake you made that is still with you. From the moment that shaped you as a child to the way it still affects your relationships as an adult. From the deep anger at something that happened to you to the shakiness you feel when you see someone who has hurt you to your core. From the silly error in judgement to the stupid thing you said when you had other things on your mind. From the look someone gave you to the subtle way they asked you a question.

The things we all hold onto affect us deeply.

It is time.
It is time.

"Turn your face towards the sun. Let the shadows fall behind you. Don't look back, just carry on. And the shadows will never find you." Rihanna

I have been thinking so much about the emotions I carry that play a role in my actions and the ones other carry on their shoulders. In our school community there has been a vocal minority that has been a negative presence for over a year. Anger and resentment hasfueled plain ugliness. Communities have sought to be destroyed. Minds have been closed and it has been a weight for everyone on all sides (and there are sides), most especially the kids. It is time. It is time for people who are unhappy to find their own way and let everyone else live and grow and thrive. I want the unhappy people to find their happy. I want their shoulders to lift and breathe in the beautiful fresh air. I want the school community, MY school community, to be the best they can be and it to fully heal, and to be able to heal. I want everyone to have altruistic reasons for their actions. This world needs more kindness. This world needs to have us all think of each other.

There have been two "celebrity" suicides within the last week. Suicide is such a complex and poignant example of holding onto things. Things that weigh you down so much that the alternative to living is more desirable. The desperation and the emptiness one must feel to remove themselves from this earth. Seeing and knowing that people who are in the public eye have those same problems of anxiety and depression spotlights the mental illness issue. But the issue is there always. I remember when a student committed suicide at Prep within the last couple of years. I was blogging then. Here is an excerpt.
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My heart is very heavy today.

A student from school committed suicide last night. It is always shocking and it is always heartbreaking when something like this happens, especially in your own communities. Lately, I have been hearing so much about kids all over the country, big schools, small schools, public and private, who are doing things to hurt themselves and then this.....it is so heartbreaking on so many different levels.

For me, I think of the complete desperation one must feel.

For me, I send my deepest compassion to all of the families who deal with depression and anxiety in their kids every day, and especially to those whose children take their own lives.

For me, I send love and deep strength to all of the kids who feel so alone.

For me, I think of my peer in my high school who took her life and the deep effects it had on our own small community.

For me, I think of my cousin, Edward.

For me, I think of my kids and how they will handle this tragic news.

For me, I want kids to be kids for as long as humanly possible.

For me, I think of the increasing pressure kids feel every day. The weight you have on your shoulders to do more, be more, be the best in sports, be the prettiest or most handsome, get the best grades, do as many activities as you possibly can. Then, completely differentiate yourself from your peers so that you can get into a good college, then grad school. That way you can get a great job that pays a lot of money and then you will be happy. It is exhausting just thinking about it.

For me, all I want to do is give my girls a hug. Let them know I love them, and am always here for them, unconditionally, and am so proud they are my daughters. I am grateful I get to be their mom. If they need to talk to someone and it can't be me, that is totally fine! As long as they talk. As long as it is someone they can trust.

For me, I want mental health to become a priority in this country. Let therapy become a normal thing instead of having a stigma attached to it. Instead of being something not discussed, bring it into the open. It is hard growing up. It is hard for parents to parent! Parents have never been parents until they are in fact, parents! I am not going to do everything right and they aren't going to everything right as kids. It is a growing process as families to be together, figuring it out, as we go. A little extra help along the way is a very good thing.

For me, I need to acknowledge the sadness I feel. I don't know this particular family but I still feel very sad. I send love, support, and deepest thoughts and concern to all who loved her, all who knew her, and hope that happy memories as well as compassion fill the voids left in their hearts.

For me, I want to yell from the tree tops that no one is alone. There is always help. No matter how sad you are, how alone you are, you are truly never alone. There is always someone who can help.

For me, I want all my friends and families to know that they are loved. You are special and you are never alone.

For me, I realize that in time, life moves on. It has to. The sun will set, the sun will rise. With each passing moment, I take hold. I realize that life is so fragile and so fleeting. You must grab the simple moments where you can, grab your place in time and cherish it. Hold onto it. Suck the marrow from it. Seize the day. Seize the moment. 

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These are the times when we need to all find space, breathe deeply, realize our connections to each other, COMMUNICATE, have those difficult conversations so that we can release what holds us down and be together. We can disagree. We can have different outlooks on life. We can have different politics or religious beliefs. But we need to be open minded and we need to respect each other. Letting go allows for this.

It is amazing that we have been in Augusta for almost 5 years. It took me almost 4 years to feel comfortable in this new place. I miss being around family. I miss being around people who have known me for decades. I miss family friends where our kids have grown up together, where people really know ME. I question all the time, was this the right thing for me, for us, for our family that we moved and have stayed down here? Knowing how our leaving has affected everyone in our lives and how leaving them affected us as well. Life is hard. Everywhere. It is also a gift, even in the places you don't expect, it is still a gift. Learning different ways of life expands the mind. Seeing a different part of the country or the world opens your eyes to options. Being here isn't always easy but it is all part of this amazing journey we are on in this lifetime. Home is inside you. Sometimes I have a hard time finding that moment of calm, of feeling settled, of peace. But it is there, waiting. Each simple moment.

Now put on One Red Thread by Blind Pilot and let's get cooking.

One of my favorite foods of summer especially is pesto. The smell of basil and garlic and cheese is quite intoxicating. Like chimichurri, you can add anything to pesto. The flavors blend and feel like that breath of fresh air or the yoga pose that brings you an epiphany.

Pesto, by Ina Garten 
Ingredients
1/4 cup walnuts

1/4 cup pignolis (pine nuts)

3 tablespoons chopped garlic (9 cloves) (I use less)
5 cups fresh basil leaves, packed
1 teaspoon kosher salt (I omit)
1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 1/2 cups good olive oil (I go by taste)
1 cup freshly grated Parmesan  (I use more)

Directions

Place the walnuts, pignolis, and garlic in the bowl of a food processor fitted with a steel blade. Process for 15 seconds. Add the basil leaves, salt, and pepper. With the processor running, slowly pour the olive oil into the bowl through the feed tube and process until the pesto is thoroughly pureed. Add the Parmesan and puree for a minute. Use right away or store the pesto in the refrigerator or freezer with a thin film of olive oil on top.

Enjoy and have a happy day, everyone...…