I am a family person. I love my family and feel that the most important part of a person’s world is their family. In many ways growing up I was my most comfortable self with my family. There were many nights my cousins and brother would go out but I was just as happy playing Pictionary with my grandparents, parents and aunt/uncle.
It is not lost on me that I currently live hours away from my extended family. It is not lost on me that I’m terrified I haven’t passed that importance or value along to my kids. It is not lost on me that I feel a huge sense of loss that my side of the family hasn’t seen each other in years and that I have missed tremendous moments in the lives of family on both sides.
I have been doing so much thinking lately. I have most definitely been in my head. I think it’s why I started writing again. It has been my journal, albeit a public one, and I missed that outlet when I stopped. Many people may wonder why I would write in such a public way. Why put myself out there and share feelings that are supposed to be kept inside?.
I will tell you, I feel it is a risk. I can be and have been misunderstood. People can judge or form opinions based on what they read and misinterpret what I’m about. That said, I also feel like it’s a relief and a release when I write.
There have been times in my life where I have felt quieted. I didn’t have a voice or shouldn’t have a voice and if I did, how would I express that voice. I loved acting. I came close a couple of times of getting serious about that as an outlet. I love to cook, to create meals that are beautiful to present. I love to wear clothes that make me feel good but are beautiful pieces of art. I love to create living spaces that are warm and comfortable where people want to gather and feel safe and laugh. I have always wanted an art in my life. I’m creative without that unique talent. That has been something I have thought about so often in my life. I have always wanted to excel at something. Anything.
I have found lately that I’m needing to get to a place of allowing myself to be free and open and vulnerable. I’m an extrovert and many people who know me will know I wear my heart on my sleeve. They might think I already am open - or too open - heck I write a blog! But still, I seek moments when I can be so vulnerable and connected to myself, where I could get almost shaky in that nakedness. Those moments are so hard to come by and they allow for complete acceptance of myself. Think about watching someone dance when they really feel the music. Think about an actor who allows complete vulnerability so that a viewer can connect to that character. Think about being so focused and zeroed in that time has simply vanished. After all of this time, I am still learning about myself. I’m still seeking.
I have been open about struggles I have had in my life. I do this thoughtfully and purposefully, knowing and experiencing the consequences, which at times have been more difficult than going through the actual struggle. It is extremely important to me that people not feel alone. I believe in being kind to all because you truly don’t know what they are experiencing. I also think it’s important to laugh. And laugh hard.
So I think all of this. And I write. To myself and to anyone who cares to read. I have boarded my plane. I’m now seated in seat 10D and my flight is about to take off. I will put in my ear buds, play I Got You by Michael Franti (always thinking of you Allison when I listen) and think about what meal I plan to make tomorrow for my family.
But if you need a good recipe immediately, I’ve been craving Cheddar Corn Chowder by Ina Garten. Click here for the recipe
Goodbye for now, Bethlehem.
Peace and love to all
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