craving the moment - the simple moment

 

-photo by Terry Clark

I am running. I am running in the dark at top speed. I need to stop. I need to look around me. I need to see what is in front of me, what is below me, what is in my path, what is even behind me. I need to look up too. But I can't. I am running. In the dark. At top speed. 

My breath is shallow. My breath is quick. My breath matches the thoughts that scream through my head. Go. Go. Go. Do. Do. Do. 

I know what I need to do. I know what I should do. Should. Should. Should. 

I crave that moment. You know the one I am talking about. The simple one. The one you can't curate. The one you can't make happen. The one that simply is. It sneaks up on you. Like looking over your shoulder and seeing the sun shed its brightness across the morning. Like hearing a new song for the first time and it hits you in a place that makes you turn up the volume and put it on repeat. Like making eye contact with a complete stranger and sharing a smile. Like being completely random and sending someone a gift who has no idea you exist because there is a toxic swirl in the air and you feel like maybe random acts of kindness can break the cycle. Like getting out of your car, seeing a flowering tree and walking over to smell its blooms. Like looking out and seeing nature do its own thing and being mystified by what you witness. It is the moment when you breathe a little more deeply, aware of your presence and your stillness. It can be fleeting. It can last longer. The connection when it happens? It is simply beautiful. 

I am reminded of what I wrote back in September and I share it again here. 

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Writing in this way has been meaningful in ways that I don't think I can even put into words though meraki comes close. 

Writing helps me process. It allows me the freedom to feel as I do, not as I should. It is an outlet for the energy that feels trapped and unexpressed. It provides a creative escape for a piece of myself that does not feel comfortable in my space, my skin. It has allowed me to dream a bit and expand what may be and what is, instead of being constrained. I am not a trained writer but I do write from my heart. 

Some people have wondered why I put myself out there, why I allow my vulnerability to be on display. Some people have felt it is too self-focused while others call it helpful and are grateful to know they are not alone. I have heard both positive and negative reactions to this blog from many people and I have always appreciated the discourse.

My posts are but a moment in time and written to show another, maybe more honest side. I write to show that it is okay not to be happy all the time. Wearing my heart on my sleeve shows that sometimes thinking about hard things is a sign of strength, not weakness. I share the lonely parts to let people know that it is okay to feel. To let myself know that it is okay. To remind myself that I am okay. 

Social media has changed our world, and continues to change it, in so many different ways. It divides, it unites, it isolates, it connects, it bullies and it provides a voice. There is obviously significant research and there are many arguments about how it affects our psyche and the way we view and treat each other. To me, the world feels more cruel. Maybe we just know more, too much, about each other. The ways we treat each other passive aggressively instead of with compassionate intention. I read what people feel comfortable writing because they never have to say it to someone's face and am blown away by what I see at times. 

Social media can also create a false sense of accessibility and I have most definitely fallen into that trap on more than one occasion. For someone like me who thrives on connection, I have reached out in ways I am not proud of and have done so knowing that I will certainly be rejected, maybe feeling in a way that I deserve to be rejected.  

Appreciate. Learn. Love. Apply. 

We adapt. We grow with change and transition. Experiences build upon each other and provide us with strength. They fill us up. They inspire and they provide hope. 

So, go out there and feel today. Feel it all. The highs and the lows. Allow the tears but don't forget to laugh along the way, and laugh hard. A real belly laugh. Hold onto something hard when you need to feel grounded and take a minute to look at our beautiful sky. Dance alone. Dance with other people. Really feel the music. Find art in the every day. Make a beautiful and colorful meal (click here for meal index). Be spontaneous. Figure out something you can do to make the world better, brighter, kinder and realize that we all play a part. Find compassion for yourself and others. Find empathy for yourself and others. Create a safe space for someone to be themselves while creating a safe space for you to be yourself. Be inclusive and collaborative. Celebrate differences and seek similarities. We are here together as ourselves once and we need to make it count. Connect to yourself so that you can connect more deeply with others. Just be. 

Put on Lovin' Me by Kid Cudi ft. Phoebe Bridgers and let's get cooking. 

Butternut Salad with Farro, Pepitas and Ricotta Salata - Smitten Kitchen
1 medium butternut squash (about two pounds) (OR buy it already cubed for a faster dinner prep)
5-6 T olive oil, divided
salt and pepper to taste
1 cup semi-pearled farro (This is everywhere now, even in instant form. Follow cooking directions on box.)
1/3 cup toasted pepitas
3 oz ricotta salata or another salty cheese, crumbled (about 3/4 cup) (Traders has this)
1 T sherry vinegar
1 T water
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp sugar
1/2 small red onion, finely chopped

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.

Peel squash, then halve lengthwise and scoop out seeds. Cut squash into approx. 3/4 inch chunks. ORCoat a baking sheet with 2 T oil. Spread squash into a single layer. Sprinkle with S&P and roast until pieces are tender, about 30-40 minutes, turning them over halfway through the cooking time. Set aside.

While squash is roasting, cook farro in a large part of simmering salted water until grains are tender but chewy, about 30 minutes. (Again, so many varieties now, so defer to package. I have cooked in chicken or vegetable broth too.) Drain and cool slightly.

While squash is roasting and farro is simmering, in a small bowl, whisk together sherry vinegar, water, 1/2 tsp salt and 1/2 tsp sugar until salt and sugar dissolve. Stir in red onion. It will be barely covered by mixture but don't worry. Cover and set in fridge until needed. 30 minutes is ideal but less time is fine too. (I sometimes do this first)

In a large bowl, mix squash, farro, red onion and its vinegar brine, crumbled cheese and pepitas. Toss with 3 T of remaining oil (use a 4th if needed). Taste and adjust seasonings if needed. Keeps in frig up to a week.

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always.