I just read a bunch of my blog posts and of course I recognize I have common themes. Sometimes, I worry that what I write is repetitive. Too repetitive. That is the critic in me - the all too vocal critic in my mind. Ok... so let me look at this differently. Maybe I am actually trying to comfort or remind myself of what I am seeking or needing in life.
See, when I write, I focus. I focus on the matter at hand. I am in the present and I am introspective. I am not on my phone. I am not putting a wall up between me and the world. I am here. Just being. I definitely write to connect with people and with myself. Lately I am processing by writing instead of by talking which has been how I have processed emotions and feelings in the past. Of course I see the irony in that I am typing this on a computer, and will share this blog on social media and e-mail.
And as much as I want to not care, I would be lying if I didn't look at how many people read what I have written. And when I have some posts that get more views, what does that mean? Why do I even look at the statistics? For validation? Lately I find I am searching for the real me, especially after years of taking care of everyone else BUT me. Yet, I still seek validation. Do I look at statistics also to find connection and also proof of connection?
Connection.
Currently I have more time on my hands than I would like. I have been even more in my head than normal. I seek escapes through walks, music, cooking, going to movies...alone. (Times I will appreciate likely later when I am back to a full-time working routine.) I want to be by myself and self-reliant - to find and nurture my independence. Then all of a sudden I will reach out for connection (yes, this does not make me easy to live with at the moment (or ever) and for that I am truly sorry). I am battling with myself. Those battles are hard but out of them comes growth.
I am someone who has always sought personal connection. My mom would worry because I would make friends everywhere I went as a child. Adults, children, didn't matter. I would go to the bathroom and walk out talking to someone! I always wanted connection as a younger person and it is why I acted or sang or played field hockey in high school, why I joined a sorority in college, why I found true happiness when I found my community after college in Washington, D.C. and later in Massachusetts. When Covid started and we were all working remotely, I struggled without the personal connection in the office. Getting used to Zoom or Microsoft Teams took a minute. Then, I adjusted and found the connection in those moments too.
You see, connection is what I yearn for most in the world yet have at times struggled finding (or keeping). Finding my space in the world has always been a journey. Connection is what allows me to thrive. When I feel connected, I feel content. I am self-aware to know that this can be overwhelming to others at times. I am also self-aware to know that I struggle to find connection with myself first and to allow myself a deeper connection with those closest to me. I feel things deeply. I am self-aware that I have a fair amount of excess energy without many places to go with it, instead of channeling it into productive, neat piles. But, this is what makes me, well, me.
In order to have connection, walls need to be down. Space needs to be found. Breathing needs to be deeper. Fear needs to be overcome. Feelings need to be felt. Distractions need to placed to the side. Phones needs to be turned off (biggest self-induced obstacle in my life).
Connection. I think about my life-long dreams - acting, opening a yoga studio or a cafe. Active, one on one interaction with people but with an element of independence. It is likely why I fell into Human Resources, why I go back to it time and again, in short, why I have stayed in the field for so many years, even though it is not likely my life's calling. Music or watching tv or a movie can accomplish something similar-it stirs up emotions, gets me lost in another world, connects me to myself or to the people I am watching with - shared experience. It is why acting is so appealing - getting lost and researching a character, being part of an ensemble, learning, discovering and portraying someone that others could connect with as well.
I remember watching "So you can think you can dance" with my kids. I always felt it was so important for them because they would learn that the most striking performances were the ones when the dancer danced with heart, really connected to the music. For me my favorite moments of parenthood are when I see my kids connecting with what they are doing - reading a book that they can't put down, playing a sport so hard that they leave themselves on the field. Connection.
New Year's Day, Taylor Swift
Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby
Candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor
You and me from the night before, but
But I stay when you're lost, and I'm scared, and you're turning away
I want your midnights
But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day
I can tell that it's gonna be a long road
I'll be there if you're the toast of the town, babe
Or if you strike out and you're crawling home
But I stay when it's hard, or it's wrong, or we're making mistakes
I want your midnights
But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day
They will hold on to you
Hold on to the memories
They will hold on to you
Hold on to the memories
They will hold on to you
And I will hold on to you
Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
Please don't ever become a stranger
Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby
Candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor
You and me, forevermore
But I stay when it's hard, or it's wrong, or we're making mistakes
I want your midnights
But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day
They will hold on to you
Hold on to the memories
They will hold on to you
Hold on to the memories
They will hold on to you
And I will hold on to you
Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere (hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you)
Please don't ever become a stranger (hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you)
Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere (I will hold on to you)
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