Feelings

I have always loved writing.  I remember writing poetry at an early age.  I remember writing about my uncle who was killed in a car accident. I remember writing about the sea. Then, older, I remember two papers I wrote in college (race relations at Colgate using Homer's Odyssey was one and the other comparing the movie Fatal Attraction to Jane Eyre) that I absolutely loved writing at the time. Do I specifically remember because I received good grades or because I had really thought about and believed in what I put down on paper? 

Maybe it was because I found a voice that no one could tell me was wrong. I could express myself unabashedly. I didn't write expecting many people to read what I had written. In fact until the internet I don't think I cared if anyone read it. I am embarrassed to admit but I know I care if anyone reads these words. Why though? Why should I care? Validation for my voice? Why do I need validation for me just being me? 

For those who know me, I am an extrovert. I express. I am someone who lives by connection and I basically seek it in every aspect of my life. I reach out to all sorts of people in many different ways. Sometimes I reach out knowing I’ll be rejected. I reach out to people that are like me and unlike me. I also believe in the underdog. I believe in making sure no one ever feels alone. I believe in connecting people. I believe in kindness always. I am very hard on myself. I feel. I feel deeply. Too deeply especially without an appropriate outlet to express myself. Writing then becomes cathartic. It opens my mind and brings a form of clarity.

I am more expressive in words than when I am when interacting or being with those I love sometimes, maybe more than sometimes actually. Is that fear? I keep up some version of a wall, which may be surprising for some, but then why is it easy for me to write it down. Especially in such an open way. Is it a cover? I go back to what I wrote before. I can write without seeing a reaction. I can be vulnerable without being vulnerable - it is safer. I can write and then pretend I didn't because that isn't public facing. No one can tell me my feelings are wrong but don't I need the interaction and the challenge to grow?  

In some ways, there is similarity to what acting might be like. When you are acting, you can be open and vulnerable by being the vehicle for the vision of the director and producers but it isn't really showing who I am deep inside, not really anyway. Assumptions are made about the actor based on their roles or interviews. Assumptions can also be made by what I write especially because it is inherently personal but my writing is about a singular moment in time. In both acting and writing then, it is a form of expression, whilst keeping a part of myself safe or guarded. I long to feel comfortable taking the risk in all aspects of my life. Feeling confident that if I fall yet again, I can and will pick myself up as a stronger more fulfilled person. Letting myself go. Just to be. Truly be. 

I have always thought that I could have done something more expressive artistically in my life. I have always, always dreamed about it and I could almost touch it at various points. Is that ridiculous? Is that stupid?  Is it cliché? 

Yes. Yes, it is in some ways. 

But does it make it wrong? 

What brought me to sit down this morning? Why did I feel the need to write? I mean I just wrote a blog post.  I think yesterday I touched the surface and there was still so much more to process than I realized.

I am feeling emotional. I am feeling vulnerable. It is scary but it make me human and it makes me feel alive. My world is on the cusp of changing yet again. I am about to watch my daughter play in her last home soccer game. She is injured but fighting strong. So many emotions flow through me. It isn't her last soccer game but it is the last one I will witness in her home stadium. The world that I have known and been comfortable living for so long is shifting. The ground is shaky and therefore my core is unstable. Change is coming. And, I can write about change but facing it inside and out, individually and head on, that is the moment. Will I watch the change or be the change? What do you think?

So, this is my playlist. I don't know if you'll be able to access it but I am giving it a try. 

Repeat Playlist

In the event it doesn't, play Homecoming by Ye, with Chris Martin. All drama aside, listen or read these lyrics. They are masterful. 

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always. 

Amy