a walk to remember

 

I haven't felt interested in writing lately and honestly that has scared me out of my mind. The feeling I get when I am inspired almost feels like a high. When I don't have that, I feel empty. When I do feel it, I get filled up to a point that if I don't express what is inside, I might burst. It is truly an amazing feeling and one I feel on my own. It is independent even if I am surrounded by others. The fact that this awareness hasn't hit me for awhile affects me. What does it mean? 

This week was my birthday and hearing/being with people I love near and far, whether I speak to them once in never or every day, it is always meaningful. I used to love my birthday. Scream it to every person that passed me by. Days in advance even. In the last several years, that has changed. Now, I am more about crawling back inside a bit. Introspective. I get really close to the ground like I am a caterpillar walking as close to the earth as possible, seeing only the specks of dirt ahead of me. I don't look up. 

I look in. 

Today, I decided to walk in a place that I truly love. It is one of my favorites. It is a swamp. It brings me to the present. It is not the ocean. It is not the city. It reminds me of where I have been, where I am and where I am going. Trust me. The idea of sitting at home on the couch or outside is honestly where I am in terms of comfort zone. Today I decide to fight that safe place. 

I have written about this place before.  Today though, it hits different. I feel different. I start my walk. It is a beautiful fall morning. The air. The light. The season. The moon. In times past a Sunday morning meant a family walk. A time to be in nature together as a family. Our time. Forced family time maybe to them but the world to me. My church.

Today though it is just me, and my partner in crime. My pup. Chappy. 

It is a beautiful day. Not a cloud in the sky even though clouds provide depth and shadows. Things I search for in my life. I am comfortable in the familiarity of the morning and the location but recognize the growth around me. It only stimulates growth within. Seeing change instills change.

Today is my friend, Doris', birthday. October 1, 2023. She is my mentor and a soul I cherish deeply. We were meant to meet well over a decade ago. Doris said today that she hasn't come across people like me often and that when that happens it stays with you. I feel ridiculous writing what she said because I am not sure it is deserved but also because when I hear something like that about me it makes me look down, not up. Also because I feel the same way about her but 100% more fold. She is older and could be my mom but genuinely she is not a mother figure. She is someone who has impacted my life in ways I can't fully put into words. I remember my first conversation with her. I am standing outside my friend's house in Menlo Park and it is a screening phone interview. There is a spark there. She and I hit it off. It is a moment I remember, years later. We speak about it often. 

Doris has had some serious health issues of late. Today is her 78th birthday (??). I am on this walk and I feel the urge to call her. I am not sure she will answer but I feel the urge nonetheless. She gets on the phone after her husband answers. We speak. Her voice is like a beacon. I am walking through the woods. Through the clearing. On the bridge. 

I see an alligator two feet away. I see a snake up close but I believe it is safe so I take a step closer. I have never seen an alligator this close. I have not seen a snake this close in a long time. It is as if I am purposely being distracted. Something is throwing fears onto my path to distract me. Making me stop. Making me run. No. I won't do that. 

It is perspective. Instant clarity. This time I have the strength and courage to walk by these scary things. They aren't so scary in the end because the focus is on love. On connection. I have the ability to look beyond because the focus is on my friend. We are talking about life, how there are no pockets in a shroud, how every day above ground is a good day, about what to do when bad things happen to good people and about how to reconcile that. About taking life day by day, bird by bird. Nothing is guaranteed in life. Who knows if we will be here tomorrow so it is important to be grateful for what we have today. I am moved by this conversation. Moved to tears, in fact. 

I share with Doris the impact she has had on my life. On the lessons I have learned. How important she is to me and how grateful I am to know her. I think about the impact she has had on this earth too. Maybe I think about my own mortality and the impact that I have or maybe more likely haven't had.  

We hang up and I look down. I see a heart rock. It is a sign. I fully believe this. I pick it up and I hold it tight. I need it near me at all times. 

I go to Bodega. My rock in my pocket. I see my friends and sit with them for a time. I witness the love they have for each other as family. I am grateful to know them. 

Then I am on my own. 

I sit amongst many parties of people with my Chappy on one of those days in the fall where the light hits perfectly. I am keenly aware of my surroundings but able to vibe to the music in my ears. I write with the heart on my book. Someone next to me asks what I am writing as I get up to leave. I explain and we share a breath about living in the present amongst us. 

I go home. I pour myself a tequila in a glass I stole from the Eurostar train when we traveled from London to Paris. I put on music and I write some more. The heart rock still next to me. I am tearful but I am not sad. I am feeling. There is a difference. It isn't what I am feeling. It is the moment. It is everything and I feel it all. The happiness. The gratefulness. The sadness. The loneliness. The full heart and the part of the heart that lays more alone than anyone can see. The part we all have but pretend not to. The part that is hidden by happy social media posts and curated lives. That part though. It fuels us. It makes us human. It makes us alive. It is the part that connects and binds us all. It is what draws us to others and it is what inspires. 

It is. 

It is the flower in the grass. It shines towards the light and it may seem like it is alone but when you look closer you see it isn't alone. Far from it. There are other objects just as beautiful surrounding it, overshadowing if you look even more closely. There are pieces of grass and stones and dirt and insects. There is an entire ecosystem that relies on the one flower that blooms towards the sun. And that one flower relies on itself and everything around it to shine. 

So here I am back in my spot. Writing. Taking it in. Listening. Sensing around me. Knowing that people may not get why I write. Why I put myself out there. Why I am different. I stop. I am different. We all are different. That should be celebrated. We are also alike. All of us. Under the same sun. Under the same moon. Under the same stars. Time. It marches on. Love.

Put on a song. Any song that moves you. And just be. Just be.

-Amy 

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always.