existentialism at its best

 

There are days when I wake up and feel things a bit more. I am more aware. I am carrying a bit extra on my shoulders. I can almost hear the quickened beats of my heart as many competing thoughts swirl around in my head. Emotions run a little closer to the surface. I feel tears at the ready, fighting to break through to the surface. Tears waiting to fall and be free, held back in a tug of war. 

I feel my mortality more on these days. I am more sensitive. Vulnerable. Harder on myself. Torn. Angst ridden. It isn't weakness I feel. Sometimes I almost feel stronger. It is hard to really put into words everything that is going during these complicated thought webs.  

Does this happen to you too?

I stare at the picture above. I have shared her before.  She is me. I am her. I met her and experienced a visceral reaction. I tried to hide it as best as I could but I was so moved. I couldn't stop looking at her because I see a version of myself in her. Is she falling into something? Is she falling away from something? Is she flying? Is she transforming? Is she becoming free? With all art, perception is in the eyes of the beholder, the observer. To me, she is strong and giving into the present, intentionally so.  Almost dancing. I feel particularly like her today. I am within. 

I take a step back and realize that my dad would have been 84 on October 13th and the first anniversary of his death is October 19th, the same day my beautiful youngest daughter leaves her teens behind and turns 20. As I type, my heart beats faster. Of course this plays a role in how I face the day. There is a lot that I am carrying with me this week. How fast time goes by. It has been a year without my dad. I no longer have a teenager in the house. The world. It just keeps beating. 

I go back to her. Sometimes I feel like time is passing by so quickly and I am not able to stop, take stock in the moment and appreciate it. It isn't that I don't see the beauty of the passage of time but I do wish we could pause it at times. I feel like it all goes by so quickly and I still feel like I am 30. There is so much left to do, see, experience, be. Dreams that I haven't chased. I don't even have a bucket list. Sometimes I watch a movie by myself and rewind parts to watch them again and again, to make sure I see every nuance, facial expression, hear every word of the dialogue, see the setting, experience the action or the stillness of the moment. Sometimes I wish I could still myself enough to do this in my every day. Take each beautiful moment as its own scene in a movie. 

Then I watched an amazing interview (really it was a conversation) and it took me out of my skin, out of my head. I became the observer. The learner. It provided the space I needed. I was so inspired by Martin Scorsese's words and his observations on life and art. I learned so much in 30 minutes.  Sometimes art and the entertainment business can feel so curated, planned and planted. Timed too perfectly. Watching something refreshing like that was truly what I needed in the moment. Truly authentic. Real. Learning about someone else's experiences. I took a deep breath and soaked it all in. 

In the accompanying magazine interview as well as in this conversation a Bob Dylan quote was mentioned. It affected me so deeply that I have been reading it over and over all day long. 

"You need your ability to imagine, your ability to observe and your ability to experience, and if any of those is compromised, your ability to create is compromised in some way". 

This. I feel this about everyday life and how important it is to be. Just be. 

Put on Easier Said Than Done by Thee Sacred Souls and take a deep breath. Breathe in space to all the nooks and crannies that tighten, constrict and compromise your ability to just be.

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always.