Dancing in the Moonlight

Time. It passes so quickly that I find it difficult to sit in the moment. To really appreciate the moment. To take the space to understand the moment. 

Then, lately, I have been realizing that so much of my life has passed me by. To observe my parents age before my eyes and to see my children hit the age I still feel close to (but am removed by 30 years) has started to weigh on me. Hitting 51 for some reason has given me a dose of reality, maybe too much of one. I begin to think and question myself because I still think "young" and feel like I just graduated college and am living post-college life, but then I realize 9/11 was 20 years ago and my 30th Colgate Reunion is next year. I come to the stark realization that I am perceived, especially by my beautiful daughters and those around me as "old". My body is different. My face is different. My life experience is deeper. I find the need to pass along life lessons in ways I didn't in the past and I am not sure the ears are there to listen. Or even should be.  I never imagined all of the sudden being in this particular place in life. 

Of course this is not a bad place to be. There is a tremendous amount of the present and past for which to be grateful. I do truly believe that some of the very best in life is yet to come. In many ways, especially if you look at the social media lens, that misleading lens, my life looks extremely charmed. It is all relative of course and the mind and heart battle does not visibly show to the world usually. The battles we fight within. 

I think about past dreams - acting school, interior design, opening a tiny cafe or a yoga practice, speaking another language, traveling, finding that creative passion. I think about the feeling of being free, of allowing myself to be vulnerable and open, of experiencing that singular moment and letting myself float there. I think about finding that space and being comfortable in it. A lot of what I mentioned is not time-limited. It feels like it is but it isn't. This week I am grappling with that and I thought I would share my internal struggle. If you ever deal with these kinds of thoughts and feelings, you are not alone. 

So, I sit with it or I should say I allow myself to sit with it. And I go back to my favorite quote, Bird by Bird, by Annie Lamott. 

Tine to listen to Sad People by Kid Cudi and let's get cooking. Like many of my favorite dishes, my sister in law introduced our family to this one when we were on Martha's Vineyard this summer. Martha's Vineyard is the place I feel most real and most in the moment. Since then, we have made this dish several times and it has become a family favorite. It is from Whole in One: Complete, Healthy Meals in a Single Pot, Sheet Pan, Or Skillet by Ellie Krieger. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and enjoy your day.