weird barbie

There is a vintage juice glass next to me filled with a few hydrangea flowers that I picked from my yard. Back in the day it was used for jam or jelly. Now I use it for wine, flowers, water, whatever. I have a thing for vintage glasses. We have a fair amount of hydrangea bushes but there is one in particular that is small. Tiny even. Different from the rest. It's unique and stands tall, even though she is the opposite. The other day I picked two flowers but left a couple so that they could keep each other company. The petals are varying shades of greens and pinks and so dainty that I can see the veins. Hydrangea remind me of the north oddly, and definitely of Martha's Vineyard. Even though they grow everywhere. Normally we are on MV this time of year and I miss it dearly. The juice glass with the flowers is filled with water and surrounded by candles. A common setting for me. I get closer to the makeshift vase to see the details of the hydrangea better. I touch the petals expecting silky soft to find they are dry. The flowers are perfectly preserved and incredibly beautiful but no longer thriving, living. The water in the glass has stayed the same level days after it was poured. Preserved as is. Static. Still. 

Some days are gray. Grayer than others anyway. I have been in my head all day. Maybe it's been more than a day but I feel static, like something is preventing me from seeing the sun behind the clouds that are strewn across the sky. I read the toxicity online and I feel it deeply. I feel uncomfortable in my skin. Outside myself. Alone yet surrounded by people. Loved but not necessarily understood. Some days are just like that. You may wonder why I share this. Sometimes I wonder too, lol. But I have the beautiful cloud of anonymity and a tiny blog that not many read. It is vital for me to share though. It is okay not to be okay sometimes. I hopelessly keep my heart on my sleeve because being truly alive means feeling that you can be vulnerable and strong at the same time. Especially in the age of social media where things look like sunshine and butterflies all the time, I have moments where I just feel stupid. I am different. I am Weird Barbie. Most times I am okay with that but there are times it's hard. Some days you feel more mortal than others. Some days I feel more mortal than others. 

So what do I do? I change it up. I practice random acts of kindness to people I know and to people I don't know. As anonymously quiet as I can and even if I am misunderstood in my actions. I put on music. I wear an outfit that I feel good in, myself in. I breathe deeply. I go to the movies. I dance. I go to the farm and pick flowers. I read a book. I cook a colorful meal. I work it out. I realize that it is all part of the process and that is a beautiful thing. This too shall pass. I learn once again that it is all within me to find the good. And when the sun shines, I look up at it so that all the shadows fall behind me, as the quote goes.

Put on Sprinter by Dave & Central Cee and let's get cooking. 

Sprinter - Apple Music

Sprinter - Spotify

This week I got a recipe by email from one of my favorite sites - Smitten Kitchen. The recipe was for Buffalo Chicken Cobb Salad. Couldn't have been easier. I used purple and yellow carrots, brown tomatoes, roasted red pepper - anything I could think of to add color and depth. It was delicious. 

Choose kindness. Every gesture counts. Peace and love always. 

-Amy