Deep sorrow

 

Several years ago there was a suicide at my daughters' school. It was a very difficult time for our small community. In the world, most have been touched by anxiety and depression and many of us have experienced anxiety and depression first-hand. I have. 

I am grateful that there is more discussion and openness about mental health. We have a long way to go, but it is a start. 

Sage and I were driving somewhere recently and she put on a song. I love listening to my kid's music. I learn so much about them by the songs that speak to them. Music is integral to my life and I can listen to songs on repeat. Music is an escape and it is my way to dream, imagine, find space. It is my path to seeking, searching, learning. It can make me laugh, shout, dance or cry. It sparks memories and emotions that are on the surface or buried deep inside. 

I am not sure my kids understand that the way they feel about music can also feel the same to me. I wish they did. I look forward to the time when they really look at me and see the depth that is there, waiting to be shared with them. 

Anyway, Sage put on "play this when I'm gone" by Machine Gun Kelly and explained that this was a suicide note he had written for his daughter. It is strikingly beautiful and haunting and it just filled me with emotion. It reminded me of what I had written all of those years ago in my blog post. 

______________________

For me, I think of the complete desperation one must feel.

For me, I send my deepest compassion to all of the families who deal with depression and anxiety in their kids every day, and especially to those whose children take their own lives.

For me, I send love and deep strength to all of the kids who feel so alone.

For me, I think of my peer in my high school who took her life and the deep effects it had on our own small community.

For me, I think of my cousin, Edward.

For me, I think of my kids and how they will handle this tragic news.

For me, I want kids to be kids for as long as humanly possible.

For me, I think of the increasing pressure kids feel every day. The weight you have on your shoulders to do more, be more, be the best in sports, be the prettiest or most handsome, get the best grades, do as many activities as you possibly can. Then, completely differentiate yourself from your peers so that you can get into a good college, then grad school. That way you can get a great job that pays a lot of money and then you will be happy. It is exhausting just thinking about it.

For me, all I want to do is give my girls a hug. Let them know I love them, and am always here for them, unconditionally, and am so proud they are my daughters. I am grateful I get to be their mom. If they need to talk to someone and it can't be me, that is totally fine! As long as they talk. As long as it is someone they can trust.

For me, I want mental health to become a priority in this country. Let therapy become a normal thing instead of having a stigma attached to it. Instead of being something not discussed, bring it into the open. It is hard growing up. It is hard for parents to parent! Parents have never been parents until they are in fact, parents! I am not going to do everything right and they aren't going to everything right as kids. It is a growing process as families to be together, figuring it out, as we go. A little extra help along the way is a very good thing.

For me, I need to acknowledge the sadness I feel. I don't know this particular family but I still feel very sad. I send love, support, and deepest thoughts and concern to all who loved her, all who knew her, and hope that happy memories as well as compassion fill the voids left in their hearts.

For me, I want to yell from the tree tops that no one is alone. There is always help. No matter how sad you are, how alone you are, you are truly never alone. There is always someone who can help.

For me, I want all my friends and families to know that they are loved. You are special and you are never alone.

For me, I realize that in time, life moves on. It has to. The sun will set, the sun will rise. With each passing moment, I take hold. I realize that life is so fragile and so fleeting. You must grab the simple moments where you can, grab your place in time and cherish it. Hold onto it. Suck the marrow from it. Seize the day. Seize the moment.

___________________________

Then, I think about the bravery and courage that this artist had to publish this song, and the strength his daughter had to be okay with it. I hope everyone takes a listen, really listens and allows themselves to feel. We must learn from each other and we must treat every single person with love and kindness. 

Now, let's cook. Keeping with the theme of soup this week. 

Thanksgiving in Washington, D.C. did not disappoint. Family, friends, amazing food, beautiful setting made with love, and new homes mixed with the challenges and complexities of life. As I have mentioned, my sister in law is immensely talented and this is her recipe for post-Thanksgiving turkey. Enjoy!

Curried Turkey Soup

2 T olive oil
4 tsp. curry powder
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 tsp. peeled, minced fresh ginger
64 oz. fat-free, low-sodium chicken broth (divided)
2 cups chopped onion (1 large)
1 cup chopped leek
½ cup diced carrot
½ cup diced celery
½ cup diced peeled Golden Delicious apple (1/2 apple)
1 T lemon juice
12 oz. evaporated skim milk
½ cup flour
3 cups finely shredded roast turkey (or chicken – about 3 breasts)
kosher salt
freshly ground black pepper

To serve:
2 ¾ cups cooked rice
¾ cup diced peeled Golden Delicious apple (1 apple)
1/3 cup dry roasted peanuts, chopped
1/3 cup sweetened flaked coconut, toasted
1/3 cup chopped parsley

In a Dutch oven, heat oil over medium-low heat. Add the curry powder, garlic, and ginger, and sauté for 2 minutes.  Add the onion, leek, carrot, celery, and apple; sauté for 5 minutes.  Add half the chicken broth, and bring to a boil; reduce the heat and simmer for 15 minutes.

Place half the vegetable mixture in a food processor and blend til smooth.  Pour into a bowl. Repeat with the remaining half of the vegetable mixture.  (Or use an immersion blender.)  Return mixture to the pot, and add the lemon juice, evaporated milk, and half the remaining broth.  In a bowl, whisk together the remaining broth and the flour. Add to the pot and stir to combine. Add the turkey.  Bring just to a boil; reduce the heat and simmer for 10 minutes, stirring frequently, until thickened.  Season to taste with salt and pepper.

To serve, place ¼ cup rice in each bowl. Pour soup over top, then sprinkle diced apple, peanuts, coconut and parsley on top.

 Yields 11 servings.

 Adapted from Cooking Light, November 1998

Peace

Capture this moment and dance it out

It is a random Wednesday night after work. I am sitting in the kitchen at the island with a candle burning (as always), music playing (as always), iced tea by my side (as always). A glass of wine will soon replace my tea when I begin to cook dinner. Sage is home on a rare night so that she can work on college applications. She sits on the couch with her computer in front of a fire, even though it is 68 degrees outside. Kelley is in the office working. Chappy is lying in the bed that is too small for him next to me but he likes it anyway. 

I am thinking about when I cooked dinner the other night. It was not too different than tonight but no one was home except Chappy. Instead of music playing on my computer, I had it playing loudly through Sonos in the house. 

Sometimes, if I can just focus on my present surroundings it makes all or at least some of the stress of the day fall away. It provides space. When the world seems crazy and doesn't make sense, sometimes you just need to get back to basics. 

So when I start cooking, I almost always light a candle and set up my little space for cooking. It sets my mood and it relaxes me. Brings me to the present.

Fall into winter are soup seasons for me. I love soup. On Monday night I also made cheese quesadillas to go with the soup with the BEST tortillas out there. Click Here to learn more about Carmelo. I cannot say enough good things about these tortillas. We always have the avocado oil ones in the freezer because they are just THAT good. I also love supporting this small business. 

I started prepping the soup and was really enjoying the whole moment. 

Then, one of my favorite songs came on......and I took a little break......

Yep, I danced it out. 

Time to put on I Come Apart by A$AP Rocky, featuring Florence Welch and let's make a pot of soup, shall we?

You know what? This soup makes a great lunch too!!!

So this is a Barefoot Contessa recipe from her first book. Very easy and really hits the spot. 

Here is the link......Click Here for Lentil Soup

Have a great evening. Peace. 

Be a friend to the whole human race

 

One must see in every human being only that is worthy of praise. When this is done, one can be a friend to the whole human race. If, however, we look at people from the standpoint of their faults, then being a friend to them is a formidable task....Thus it is incumbent on us, when we direct our gaze toward other people, to see where they excel, not where they fail."

-Abdul-Baha

"Be a friend to the whole human race."

At work, our team has been attending a four-part series every Monday entitled Deeper than Diversity presented by Eric Dozier and Homa Tavangar from the Oneness Lab (Oneness Lab). This has been a tremendously interesting series and I am legitimately sad the last session was yesterday. There were so many moments in the training that made me pause and reflect on my own behavior and my responsibility to the world. In fact, several posts could be dedicated to the lessons learned but I will focus on one here. 

A theme presented is that humans treat each other in a very transactional way and not as friends or family. Once we start to treat people with connection, then the world becomes different. As they taught, once we focus on the Five Roots of Real Relationship - Frequency, Proximity, Imagination, Reciprocity, Knowledge, then we start viewing all humans in a more connected way. This resonates with me. It makes me think about how I approach just about everyone I come across in my life.  

“Do not be satisfied until each one with whom you are concerned is to you as a member of your family. Regard each one either as a father, or as a brother, or as a sister, or as a mother, or as a child. If you can attain to this, your difficulties will vanish, you will know what to do.”

-Abdul-Baha

Yesterday was a tough day for a multitude of reasons. I have a fair amount going on in my world at the moment - work and personal life are a bit stressful. Not unlike everyone else but I was feeling it a bit more than usual yesterday. I was looking forward to getting into my car and having an easy night at home. It is getting darker earlier and that means I am looking forward to hunkering down in the evenings, lighting a candle in the kitchen or a fire in the fireplace. In my head, the quote kept coming into my head.

"Be a friend to the whole human race." 

I walked outside at 4:30 p.m. and the sun was shining. I noticed something on my car window. Immediately I wonder if I somehow received a parking ticket. Then I notice that another car aside from an empty space also has this piece of paper on their window and it does not look like a parking ticket. It looks like a ripped piece of paper. I walk over to my car and take a look at what was left for me.

Transactional, at the very least. 

I am used to parallel parking because of many years of city living. I may not be great at a lot of things - I tend to be pretty solid at parallel parking. Was it my best parking job? No, definitely not. Was it my worst? Definitely not. Could I have taken greater care to park within both lines? Absolutely. Had I blocked in the car that I could see? No. No I did not. Could I have done things differently? Absolutely, I own my part and feel badly if this person felt in any way burdened because they were not able to leave their parking space as easily as they would like. Having said this, does this person have these printed notes in their car waiting for the moment to arise? The amount of negativity and resentment that one must harbor to print, rip, place for a fellow human to find is almost mind-boggling. The unhappiness that someone must feel to assume that I purposefully tried to make their life difficult made me stop. It takes so much more energy to live like this. Would this person have left a note for a friend or family member? I choose to live differently. 

"Be a friend to the whole human race."

Time to put on One Love by Bob Marley and let's get cooking. Actually......not tonight. Tonight you don't need to cook. Last night I went home and sat on the couch with my daughter, ate delivered pizza and watched two movies. We didn't do household chores. We didn't work on college applications. We didn't pay bills. We didn't even study all that much. We sat together with our Chappy, and we watched one Spiderman movie....and then another. We laughed and we were brought along for the ride of the films. It was an amazing night, blissful. So tonight, get take-out or delivery and focus on having a simple moment alone or with your family or friends. Take the time. It's worth it.

Peace

What moves you?

 

                                                                -AK

What emotions spark when you see a particular photograph? 

                                     -Mystery of Love, Sufjan Stevens

Are there songs that make you pause, or dream, or feel something often hidden inside your core? 

                  -Amazon

What about that feeling when you turn the very last page of a book you haven't been able to put down? 

In other words, what moves you? 

I am constantly chasing times when I am able to fully be in the moment. It is a deep breath worth of clarity. It can last 5 or 10 seconds or it can last an hour. It is the feeling when you find a bit of space, and you are subconsciously giving yourself permission to pause for this simple moment. 

I am on a plane flying to California and I put on music when it has been too long since I have listened to a song. My senses awaken and I just start writing....furiously. I am sitting in a field with my sister in law and our newborns. The sun is shining and I am feeling a sense of peace float over me because we are just there, enjoying each other and our surroundings. I am finishing a yoga practice and I sit up after shavasana and my body is fully relaxed and clear because I have breathed and worked through the clutter. I am sitting at a table surrounded by friends and we are in the midst of a real conversation and I look around at my people filled with love. I am in the kitchen making dinner and a song comes on that begs me to dance...and I dance. 

Let me be clear. I believe these times are gifts and they do not come often. In fact, I can go weeks without one because I am running. Running. Running through life. Too stimulated. Too in my head. Too distracted by my phone. Too involved with anxiety and stress. Too wound up to find the necessary space to allow myself the grace. Too concerned with the world around me and inside me to take that single deep breath. To find the good. To feel. To just be. 

Time to put on Guillotine by Jon Bellion and let's get cooking!!! Today's recipe is one that is waiting for us to make at home tonight. My sister in law makes this and when I had it for the first time it just hit the spot - perfect bites and a perfect meal to make when the air is a bit more crisp. Do NOT ask me why the only online version I can find seems to be on the Hallmark Channel website? BUT.....anyways.............

Beef Stew with Farro and Mushrooms

Enjoy this day. Peace..........................

Rethinking Sunday?

 

For many people, myself included, Sundays can be a bit of a downer. People call today Sunday Funday??  For me, not so much. It is the last day of the week. It is an end. It may be a day to rest but it is also a day I need to be productive for the busy week ahead. It is a day to say goodbye and rarely is one people greet enthusiastically. Lately, as the day wears on, I tend to be more in my head, quiet, struggling to be in the moment and seeing the promise of what is to come. My breathing is more shallow and I can feel my muscles constrict with every minute. I am anticipating the future, the problems that await, the stress that is looming over my shoulders waiting to create the weight of the week. This impenetrable restlessness I have been feeling for a month or two seems to always culminate on a Sunday. 

I need to own this. I need to recognize my feelings, be kind to myself for having them and then question....is that how I want my Sunday to go...every week? Let's try again. Let's get to basics. 

It is Sunday. Sunday, November 7, 2021. 2021. Almost 8 years since I began writing this blog. I am sitting in my kitchen at the white and gray marble island. It is a gray day but it looks like blue skies and sun are trying to burn through. Fighting. A fire burns gently in fireplace.  As I often need sound around me, my favorite playlist is on around me. In front of me and to the side is a vase of flowers from Sage's senior night that smell fresh and bright, a 3-wick candle that burns pretty constantly in my house, a silver bowl of white rocks, mini pumpkins and acorns. On my second cup of coffee, I hear the swish of the washer and the shifting in the dryer. The book I am currently reading is next to me, patiently waiting for me to open it and grace its pages. Need a visual?

Outside trees are in varying stages of fall. While we get more color towards the end of November, beginning of December, a couple of backyard trees show off a little now. Shedding the past to lay bare, providing space to those around it. 

Sosie came home for a brief visit but went back to Auburn late last night. Our house and my heart were full when the four of us ate dinner and watched football on TV last night. Simple moment. Yesterday, Sagey had two soccer games in Columbia and scored the winning goal against the number 1, undefeated team in the league. I had my covid booster shot on Friday and haven't felt 100% this weekend. This morning, Kelley took Chappy on a trail run (yes, he knows the word - run - and reacts in the cutest way when it is said) and Sage is sleeping soundly in bed. It is a typical Sunday..........

Break down this very moment - what do you hear, what do you see, what do you smell? Being comfortable in that very space is what I am seeking. It may happen for 20 seconds. It may happen for 20 minutes but seeking that and leaning into it......breathe deeply and feel your shoulders relax slightly.

I have been reading Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey. I would like to listen to it as well but being visual, I need to read it first. I watched the Kid Cudi documentary on Friday night. As I have written, I have been thinking a lot about being comfortable in vulnerability and what that means, what that looks like. I have been thinking about spending my life searching for an outlet for creativity. A way to express, to share. Time to stretch and push away the boundaries but that will take a lot of courage. Am I ready? 

Time to put on Mystery of Love by Sufjan Stevens and let's get cooking. 

"Oh, oh will wonders ever cease?

Blessed be the mystery of love"

I have blogged about this recipe before but going through my mom's cookbooks recently I found the original copy. I looked at this recipe for the first time maybe 25 years ago. 25 fucking years. This recipe has evolved quite a bit over time but then so have I and I hope that growing never ceases as hard as it can be feeling those growing pains. 

Peace and enjoy...

Opening Eyes, Feeling Restless, Taking it In...

 

I have walked by this statue so many times and have barely registered its existence, even though it is 5 minutes from my house and in a place I visit weekly. One day I was waiting for a friend outside of a restaurant and I looked at her. I registered her beauty and took her in for a minute. I found myself taking many pictures from different angles that do not do her justice. I like to think she appreciated the attention. 

Last weekend I flew to DC, a place where I lived for 6 years. Flying into National Airport is always special because you get a bird's eye view of the magic that is the landscape there. In the cab after I landed, we drove by the Lincoln Monument. Again, my eyes were opened. 

I find that I am moved to write when I travel. My senses are awakened and I am out of my normal routine. Things hit me differently. I find it is easier to be in the present when I am traveling. I take the extra moment to notice things the first time I see them. I find I appreciate the small things that I see almost more than the larger than life sights, or I enjoy the larger sights as part of a landscape, to see where it all fits. 

There is something fascinating about sitting in an airport. Observing family dynamics, people who live to work and people who work to live, celebrities trying to travel like the masses and the masses trying to travel like celebrities, people going home, people going someplace new, sadness hidden or on display and excitement from those little and big, old and young. People comfortable in their own skin and people still trying to figure themselves out. People struggling and people leaning into their struggles. Granted being in an airport does limit our view due to socioeconomic reasons but it is still an interesting lens to watch a slice of the world.

Time to listen to Up, Up and Away by Kid Cudi and let's get cooking. 

Creating beauty with food. Some people eat just to eat - get in the calories and sustain themselves. Some people eat because it is comforting - stress eating. Some people don't want to eat even though their bodies are screaming for attention. Some people truly enjoy food - the smell, beauty, atmosphere it creates and take care in its preparation. There are some people who do all of these things every week. I find I love color in my food. You can slice tomatoes and put them on a plate with mozzarella and basil. Sprinkle olive oil and balsamic vinegar and call it a day. OR - you can slice different color tomatoes, put them on a decorative dish, use different shapes of mozzarella, add blue cheese, add pesto, use a balsamic glaze, sprinkle toasted pine nuts - which plate are you more interested in eating. When I spend the extra 5 minutes, it just makes me a little bit happier. Just something to think about. 

Have an incredible day. 

Ongoing search

 

I’m sitting in an airport.  It is a small airport in the town where I grew up. It has been 30 years since I have lived here and since then I have lived in Arlington, VA, Washington, DC, Waltham and Needham, MA, Evans and Augusta, GA. 

I am a family person. I love my family and feel that the most important part of a person’s world is their family. In many ways growing up I was my most comfortable self with my family. There were many nights my cousins and brother would go out but I was just as happy playing Pictionary with my grandparents, parents and aunt/uncle. 

It is not lost on me that I currently live hours away from my extended family. It is not lost on me that I’m terrified I haven’t passed that importance or value along to my kids. It is not lost on me that I feel a huge sense of loss that my side of the family hasn’t seen each other in years and that I have missed tremendous moments in the lives of family on both sides. 

I have been doing so much thinking lately. I have most definitely been in my head. I think it’s why I started writing again. It has been my journal, albeit a public one, and I missed that outlet when I stopped. Many people may wonder why I would write in such a public way. Why put myself out there and share feelings that are supposed to be kept inside?. 

I will tell you, I feel it is a risk. I can be and have been misunderstood. People can judge or form opinions based on what they read and misinterpret what I’m about. That said, I also feel like it’s a relief and a release when I write. 

There have been times in my life where I have felt quieted. I didn’t have a voice or shouldn’t have a voice and if I did, how would I express that voice. I loved acting. I came close a couple of times of getting serious about that as an outlet. I love to cook, to create meals that are beautiful to present. I love to wear clothes that make me feel good but are beautiful pieces of art. I love to create living spaces that are warm and comfortable where people want to gather and feel safe and laugh. I have always wanted an art in my life. I’m creative without that unique talent. That has been something I have thought about so often in my life. I have always wanted to excel at something. Anything.  

I have found lately that I’m needing to get to a place of allowing myself to be free and open and vulnerable. I’m an extrovert and many people who know me will know I wear my heart on my sleeve. They might think I already am open - or too open - heck I write a blog! But still, I seek moments when I can be so vulnerable and connected to myself, where I could get almost shaky in that nakedness. Those moments are so hard to come by and they allow for complete acceptance of myself. Think about watching someone dance when they really feel the music. Think about an actor who allows complete vulnerability so that a viewer can connect to that character. Think about being so focused and zeroed in that time has simply vanished. After all of this time, I am still learning about myself. I’m still seeking.

I have been open about struggles I have had in my life. I do this thoughtfully and purposefully, knowing and experiencing the consequences, which at times have been more difficult than going through the actual struggle.  It is extremely important to me that people not feel alone.  I believe in being kind to all because you truly don’t know what they are experiencing. I also think it’s important to laugh. And laugh hard. 

So I think all of this.  And I write. To myself and to anyone who cares to read. I have boarded my plane. I’m now seated in seat 10D and my flight is about to take off.  I will put in my ear buds, play I Got You by Michael Franti (always thinking of you Allison when I listen) and think about what meal I plan to make tomorrow for my family. 

But if you need a good recipe immediately, I’ve been craving Cheddar Corn Chowder by Ina Garten.  Click here for the recipe   

Goodbye for now, Bethlehem. 

Peace and love to all  

Dance Party

This summer my brother created a playlist and it inspired me to do the same. I have a playlist that I listen to when I walk (that my daughter named Mom Music - and no, that didn't make me feel outdated and old - not at all!!). I have various playlists for yoga as well, but I was in the mood to create something. Something... Anything. So, I asked the girls and Kelley to provide some of their favorites, and I included some (ok, many) of mine. The end result was our first family playlist. I will say it took awhile to get everyone on board. One daughter wanted to include country because she knew that I didn't love it and another needed a few reminders, but the finished product is a 4 hour mix that I listen to.....often. It makes me feel close to my family and it makes me happy. It has such a huge array of genres and I actually love them all. Sometimes I listen to it in its order and sometimes I shuffle - both give a different feel, depending on my mood. 

Last night, I poured myself a glass of wine and put on the mix (ok, playlist) on Sonos and started prepping tacos for dinner. Kelley was working in the office and Sage was at soccer. Kid Cudi came on and I just started dancing. All over the kitchen. And you know what, it felt great. It was a good moment. Found some space and it was good.

My parents are moving to Washington, D.C. to live closer to family. My mom will be in an independent apartment in a retirement community and my father will be in the same facility but with additional care. Mom will be able to see him every day and she will finally live near family. A first in many, many years. In cleaning out our childhood home in Pennsylvania where my mom has lived for over 50 years, my brother came across this treasure. 

My dad would make an Armenian dish every so often. It was complex and something he really enjoyed doing. I have memories of him working away in my grandparents' kitchen and in my aunt and uncle's house doing the same, usually around Thanksgiving. The fact that he would take great care to do something so meaningful for his family and culture that he was not related to by blood, always got caught in my heart. This cookbook cover is my maternal grandfather's writing (Boboo) - directing to my dad's recipe. The writing on the recipe page is my father's and at the very bottom is a special note - 11/26/1999, the day my dad "initiated" my brother and cousins into preparing this dish. 

Time to put on Love Tonight by Shouse and dance, I mean cook! Or both.....

Recently, I made a delicious recipe from Alexandra Cooks. Veggie-Loaded Stuffed Bell Peppers. Lately, I have been eating less meat and this dish was very filling. 

Click the link for the recipe!

Enjoy!

Dancing in the Moonlight

Time. It passes so quickly that I find it difficult to sit in the moment. To really appreciate the moment. To take the space to understand the moment. 

Then, lately, I have been realizing that so much of my life has passed me by. To observe my parents age before my eyes and to see my children hit the age I still feel close to (but am removed by 30 years) has started to weigh on me. Hitting 51 for some reason has given me a dose of reality, maybe too much of one. I begin to think and question myself because I still think "young" and feel like I just graduated college and am living post-college life, but then I realize 9/11 was 20 years ago and my 30th Colgate Reunion is next year. I come to the stark realization that I am perceived, especially by my beautiful daughters and those around me as "old". My body is different. My face is different. My life experience is deeper. I find the need to pass along life lessons in ways I didn't in the past and I am not sure the ears are there to listen. Or even should be.  I never imagined all of the sudden being in this particular place in life. 

Of course this is not a bad place to be. There is a tremendous amount of the present and past for which to be grateful. I do truly believe that some of the very best in life is yet to come. In many ways, especially if you look at the social media lens, that misleading lens, my life looks extremely charmed. It is all relative of course and the mind and heart battle does not visibly show to the world usually. The battles we fight within. 

I think about past dreams - acting school, interior design, opening a tiny cafe or a yoga practice, speaking another language, traveling, finding that creative passion. I think about the feeling of being free, of allowing myself to be vulnerable and open, of experiencing that singular moment and letting myself float there. I think about finding that space and being comfortable in it. A lot of what I mentioned is not time-limited. It feels like it is but it isn't. This week I am grappling with that and I thought I would share my internal struggle. If you ever deal with these kinds of thoughts and feelings, you are not alone. 

So, I sit with it or I should say I allow myself to sit with it. And I go back to my favorite quote, Bird by Bird, by Annie Lamott. 

Tine to listen to Sad People by Kid Cudi and let's get cooking. Like many of my favorite dishes, my sister in law introduced our family to this one when we were on Martha's Vineyard this summer. Martha's Vineyard is the place I feel most real and most in the moment. Since then, we have made this dish several times and it has become a family favorite. It is from Whole in One: Complete, Healthy Meals in a Single Pot, Sheet Pan, Or Skillet by Ellie Krieger. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and enjoy your day. 

At the start, an end of a chapter. What is to come?

 

Simple Moments Each Day. 98 posts. 43,743 all time views. Started February 25, 2014. 

I have been reflecting on my time writing this blog. I re-read my first three posts recently. I started this blog in 2014 because friends had suggested I write about my temporary move to Augusta, GA and because I love to cook. When I moved to Georgia, I stopped working for the first time in my life. I had more time to devote to myself and to cooking for my family. When I think back on all that has changed in the last 6 years, one thing remains constant....my journey to find simple moments. 

I asked some friends recently how they defined a simple moment.....these were just a few responses. 

• A cup of coffee before the noise of the day begins
• Watching waves in an ocean ripple, a smile, a touch, sunrise, sunset, nature, music, family laughter
• A moment in which you are still, just breathe, open your eyes and take it all in.
• .....appreciate, acknowledge, and feel my feelings and emotions as fully as I'm able.
• Each of us will find that we can describe many types of events/times that we define as “simple moments.” These are, most often, times when we find our body, mind and soul at peace and that “pause” (almost always an exceedingly brief pause) in the flow of life allows us to appreciate precisely what occurs in that moment of awareness. That moment of awareness is as important as the actual event because it is that awareness that allows us to see the wonders that surround us.
• A simple moment is a feeling of peace, quiet: when you don’t worry about anything and you look around this amazing earth and appreciate it’s beauty.

I find myself still yearning for them - sometimes they come more easily than others. Saturday morning I was sitting on the couch, drinking coffee, listening to music and it hit me. My heart was full. The lyrics of the song were a little more clear, the present was fully with me, and I loved every second of that. In that moment, I was accessible. I was open. There was space. I could breathe it in. 

Now put on Free Fallin' by Tom Petty and let's get cooking. 

I have to admit something. I have not been feeling very inspired lately. I am in between seasons. I am yearning for summer freedom but starting to churn for fall comfort. The smells of fall are in the air and the autumn light is upon us. The smells of the blooming bushes this time of year always remind me of when we first moved to Augusta 7 years ago. 

Working full time and the anticipation of that moment, the emotions of one child leaving for college and the other literally growing up in front of my eyes, turning 50 and reflecting on how I see myself and how others see me, observing my parents age, or looking at all that needs to be done, I find that I am yearning for space. Yearning to get back to a place where I am inspired, excited and ready. I think it will take a little time and it will be a challenge. Of that I am sure. So, in lieu of a new recipe, I attach my first blog post. Not to go back. Not to look behind. But to feel the excitement of the moment, I first hit "Publish". I had thought I would end my blog at 100 posts.....but right now at this very moment, I think this is a good place to end. End at the beginning, the start of a new chapter. What is to come? 

Click here: First Blog Post - February, 2014

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for being on this journey with me. I have loved every moment. Have a happy day, everyone!

9/11/2001: 19 years ago. A day so vivid and in slow motion in my mind, forever.

 

I was pregnant. I walked into work (33rd Floor, John Hancock Tower, Boston) from the commuter rail station and ran into my co-worker/friend, Lisa, who said that a small plane had crashed into the World Trade Center in NYC. She suggested I look online but cautioned that I might have a bit of difficulty getting onto the internet because everyone was trying to find out what happened. I quickly settled into my office and soon after, heard about the second plane. I walked over to Cynthia's office (VP, HR) and she was in a meeting. Lisa handed me the phone and it was the DC office saying that they felt uncomfortable and wished to close. We agreed that safety was first and that I'd confirm but that closing seemed like the right thing to do. At this point, one of the many rumors came out that the Sears Tower had been hit and at that point, Cynthia's meeting was over. We walked over to the CEO and at this point, he made the call that we should close our offices and evacuate the building, as we were located in the tallest building in Boston. As Cynthia and I were walking by the lunch room, I remember seeing dozens of people crowded around the television. Cynthia announced that the offices were closing. Someone asked if they had to evacuate and her response was that large buildings were being targeted and this was the largest building in Boston; it was a very good idea to leave. 

Around this time, the little voice in my mind nagging at me spoke up and I remembered. I remembered that my co-worker, John was flying to LA that morning. He and I had let an employee go the day before so we spoke a lot on September 10. I remember wishing him well on his travels. I still remember my interview with John when he was hired - he was someone that added a great deal to the firm. He was a dear friend to many and his impact to the office was real. 

John was flying out to our LA office on the first flight out on 9/11. He had made his travel arrangements through the internet to save money for the firm (internet travel was new at the time) and not through our on-site travel agent. I tried to reach my co-workers and we all worked separately and together to confirm his presence on the flight. I had a pit in my stomach because deep down I knew. I knew. But I was not ready to face it.  I explained this situation to Cynthia and we evacuated the building. I waited until every person left the floor. At that point, it was important to me. I was eerily calm and I remember closing the gate. I called a candidate that was due into the office for an interview and she had no idea what was happening as she was in the library. I explained that bad things were happening in the world that morning and that she should get to a television as soon as possible and call me in the next day or two to reschedule her interview. 

My husband picked me and a colleague up as he needed a ride home and we didn't feel comfortable taking the train. Kelley remembers driving on the Pike under the Prudential building and the odd feeling that generated. We walked two blocks from the Hancock and got into the car. As we were driving out of the city, the first tower fell. We heard it on the radio. Then the second tower fell. That entire day was spent on the phone with Cynthia, then security at the Hancock so that we could get John's personnel file. We needed his emergency contacts once we learned he was definitively on the plane and then Cynthia needed to call his family. Everything was on paper at the time so retrieving that information was not a simple task. I almost went back into the office but we managed to work with security to help us. 

John Jenkins was on Flight 11 which took off from Boston to LA at 7:59 a.m. with 11 crew members, 76 passengers and 5 hijackers. It crashed into the North Tower at 8:46 a.m. 

My sister in law, also pregnant, and close friends came over to our house in Needham and we all watched the television closely. I remember the weather was clear, warm.  I was in a state of shock at what we were watching and I was in a state of disbelief that someone I knew was in the plane. I remember trying to imagine his last moments. In bed that night, I remember how quiet it was. No planes were flying and when small, private aircraft occasionally flew overhead it was out of place. I leaned over and said to Kelley, what kind of world are we bringing this baby into.....

The next day, I went into the office. It felt like a hundred years had passed. But I wanted to be with my work family. I wanted to show that I wasn't afraid. Everyone dealt with this pain in different ways and there was no right way. There is no right way. There was a bomb threat in a nearby hotel that day. Some employees went home. But we got through the day. And we got through the next day. 

A few days later I received a phone call from someone who lived in Brooklyn, about 2 miles from Ground Zero. She had found a business card. John's business card. I started shaking. She sent it with the letter above.  It looked completely normal - a slight discolor and gently frayed but really, it looked fine. To this day, I am amazed at what that business card went through on Flight 11 and how it had made it to Brooklyn. 

There were other connections to 9/11. Ones I learned about after that day. It was a transformative day for this country and for its citizens. Many, many heroes were made that day. Heroes were made because of this day. Susan Retik-Ger became a hero for me personally. I think everyone alive that day has a story. They remember where they were and how they felt. It is a palpable feeling that is important to recognize and come back to from time to time. Everyone's story is important. 

Today is a day to remember. Today is a day to honor. Today is a day of sadness but also of strength and connection. Today is a day to live, truly live in the moment. 

Time to put on Like Gold by Vance Joy and shift gears. 

Two recommendations today. Both amazing and both HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

First, my friend Jennifer Shuford has a catering business called, Tastefully Yours. Obviously many if not all businesses have had to pivot and be more than flexible during COVID times. It just is a different world. She has created a marketplace with a menu every week and it has become a staple of our family. The market is open Wed-Fri from 11-3 p.m. an Saturday from 10-1 p.m. at 2204 Ellis Street in Augusta. I love driving up and looking at all of the amazing foods she has to offer. This is a sample menu and honestly there are dishes we get every week because they are so yummy. It has been a life saver for our family, especially with me going back to work full-time. It is just good to know that a few meals are covered each week. 

Here is a recipe for one of my favorite dishes of hers................Thanks for having Second, my friend, Marit, wrote her third book titled, The Insomniacs. It is a Young Adult book and it has a level of depth appropriate for all ages. Please take the time to read. I read it in a day and the only thing I am sad about is that it is over. I absolutely loved it. Marit is an incredible writer and I become invested in her characters. Kudos, Marit!!!

Miso-Glazed Salmon with Sesame Asparagus

Feed 4-6

1/2 c white miso

1/4 c dry sake or dry white wine

1/4 c mirin

1 T honey

1 T soy sayce

2 t finely grated fresh ginger

2 # Salmon, skin-on (cut into 4-6 fillets)

2# medium thick Asparagus, trimmed

2 t sesame oil

1 t asian chili oil

2 t toasted sesame seeds

In a 3 quart Pyrex casserole, whisk miso, sake, mirin, honey, soy, and ginger until combined. Pat the skin-side of the Salmon dry, and score in a criss-cross pattern. Turn the salmon in the mixture to coat, leaving flesh side down. Marinate for 30 minutes at room temp, or cover and refrigerate for up to 12 hours.

Position your oven rack 6 inches from broiler, and heat broiler on high. In a large boil toss the asparagus in the sesame oil. Also season with salt & pepper to taste.

Line a heavy sheet pan with foil, and brush with oil. Transfer salmon to one-side of the sheet pan, skin side-up, patting dry, and sprinkling with kosher salt. Arrange the dressed asparagus on the opposite side of the sheet pan.

Broil until Salmon is browned, and skin is crispy, and asparagus are bright green and crisp. 8-10 minutes, for medium rare salmon. Transfer salmon & asparagus to a platter. Garnish with Asian chili oil and toasted sesame seeds. Finish with a grind of fresh black pepper.

Nominated to ALA’s Best Fiction for Young Adults List

The Insomniacs Marit Weisenberg Ingrid can’t sleep. She can’t remember, either. Marit Weisenberg's The Insomniacs is “a deeply beautiful story of yearning, heartache, trauma, and love” (Jennifer Niven, #1 New York Times bestselling author of All the Bright Places) about two teens who discover the secrets of their neighborhood after everyone else turns out the lights. Enjoy and have a thoughtful day, everyone.